Top 10 Reasons Why Your Baby Isn’t Sleeping in Beijing

There are plenty of reasons why your infant might not be sleeping. The poor little thing ate too much and her tummy is bù shūfu; he’s had a bad dream, likely from mom and dad blaring Game of Thrones in the other room; or maybe your baby is just a rebel rouser and sleeps by his own rules. But here, we focus on particularly Beijing situations that are sure to make your skin crawl with their absolute inconvenience.

1. Your upstairs neighbors find it necessary to do light carpentry work after dinner hours. Why can’t they be practicing the quiet art of bonsai, shadow puppetry, or pantomime?

2. Your ayi is insistent on wrapping up baby with blankets in the middle of summer and winter in equal measure, or your air conditioner is either too cold or too warm, and a pleasant medium is impossible to find. We’re looking at you Haier Brothers!

3. Your air conditioner/ fan/ air purifier combo is too loud! It’s like trying to sleep in the cargo hold of a 727, but you can’t afford something quiet and sleek like Dyson.

4. Your significant other is watching his/her “stories” (or in my case You can, You Bibi, with all of those zoinks, boings, and twinkle step sounds) much too loud.

5. You need to grease the doors to not creak so loudly, but you don’t know the appropriate brand of lubricant to use, or the correct vocabulary to ask for such a substance.

6. The ayi let the baby sleep too much during the day. Can we blame her though? She’s out by 6 and probably in bed by 10 pm, having the most beautiful dreams imaginable.

7. Baby needs an exact sleep schedule, along with penalties for whoever fails to follow, but the echoes of Guo’an games and concerts at Worker’s Stadium will throw a wrench in these plans about once a week.

8. The mating calls of feral cats outside certainly aren’t helping anyone trying to get to bed at a decent hour.