Benjamin Roswell (pictured above) is originally from Canada, but when he was offered a job in Beijing he decided to take it, as he says, “to spice up my life.” He now considers it the best decision he ever made, because a friend introduced him to a Mongolian girl who wanted to practice her English and would help him learn Chinese. “Four years later,” Roswell says, “her English is amazing, my Chinese sucks, and we have a baby.” He and Sizhuxin are proud parents to 7-month-old Claire. Mom stays at home to look after the baby while Dad teaches English and guitar.
Do you remember the first time you met your mother-in-law? What were your impressions that day?
My first impression was pretty good. She was very polite with me and very open to her daughter and me dating and getting married.
After marriage, what’s the ”safe distance” between you and your mother-in-law?
After we got married it was totally fine. We had no issues at all. It was after we had the baby we developed some issues because of cultural differences.
After you had a baby, did your mother-in-law help to take care of your baby? If you don’t agree with the way in which your mother-in-law takes the child, would you point it out directly?
Yes, she really helped out a lot. We would not have been able to do it all by ourselves. But there were some issues about things she did that I did not like, and I did point them out. But we are still grateful for everything she did, because it was a lot.
Have you ever lived with your mother-in-law? If you lived together, what’s the maximum time you can handle?
Yes, she lived with us for the first month after the baby’s birth. Haha, well… I could handle about 10 days out of the month she actually lived with us.
What do you like best about your mother-in-law?
I like many things about her. Her generosity, her willingness to go above and beyond what is asked. If you ask her to carry something for a mile, she will carry it two miles. And her cooking, of course!
What’s the biggest conflict between you and your mother-in-law?
The biggest conflict between us is just her getting too involved in my wife’s and my life. When my wife and I get into an argument, her mother is always jumping in and getting involved. But we have found a solution to the problem, and we don’t have this issue anymore.
What role does your wife play, when you disagree with your mother-in-law?
My wife and I tend to stand together and have the same views, and this tends to cause issues between her and her mother. Her mother has the idea that whenever she and I argue, my wife has to stand on her side, but we won’t go against each other. We work more as a team now.
Which holidays do you celebrate with your mother-in-law? What did you/ would you give your mother-in-law as a special gift?
We celebrate all Chinese and Western holidays. We both respect and honor each other’s traditions and holidays; we have kind of taken on each other’s holidays as our own. My mother-in-law now loves Christmas with all the lights, music and decorations. My wife and I got her special/funny family pictures, and she seemed to love them more than all the other gifts we got her. When I go back to Canada I’ll be getting her something special there. I got my wife some gifts from the Indian reserve and she loved that. I was thinking to get the same for her mother. I should say our mother, haha!
Zhang Ru (Ruby Zhang) and Eric Falgout (pictured above) fell in love in school. At that time Eric Falgout was an English teacher at China Agricultural University, and Ruby was a pedagogy postgraduate. Eventually, they got married, and now have a son, Max, who is 4 years old. Since 2012, Eric has run his own TOEFL studio in Beijing.
Do you remember the first time you met your mother-in-law? What were your impressions that day?
I first met my mother-in-law at New Orleans airport. She and her husband drove to the airport to pick up my child and me. Our plane should have arrived in the afternoon but it didn’t arrive until the next morning. I saw two old people sitting in the distance, holding a toy dog. Max loves toy dogs, he held the dog happily and got in the car. When we got home we received many gifts, including bags and notebooks with my name printed on them, a small bottle of perfume, a piece of chocolate and a local map. Maybe my mother-in-law thought I could walk around and make some good memories during the days I was living with her.
After your marriage, what’s the “safe distance” between you and your mother-in-law?
With respect to Chinese people, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is a sensitive question. But I don’t think it’s a problem to live with a foreign one, mostly because we won’t live together all the time. Especially for us who live in different countries, which is a very safe distance!
After you had a baby, did your mother-in-law help to take care of your baby? If you don’t agree with the way in which your mother-in-law takes the child, would you point it out directly?
Yes, of course, when it comes to taking care of children, she is very experienced. After all, she has raised three children. She is warmhearted and responsible, but she doesn’t take control of everything. As a mother, I still play the main role in raising my child. Because my son is picky, he can’t resist French fries and chicken. They knew he likes them, so they always cooked them for him. It’s unhealthy but I didn’t point it out directly, just bought them an air fryer. After all, using air pressure is healthier than oil. They all loved the air fryer.
Have you ever lived with your mother-in-law? If you lived together, what’s the maximum time you can handle?
I lived with her about five months that time. Actually, I think my case is not so common in transnational marriages. It’s mainly because we’d never met before, for many reasons, so I took these five months as compensation for the time we missed before. I also wanted the child to receive an American education and spend time with his grandparents. I think this long time is a lot more than normal. Generally speaking, I think two to three weeks is a normal range. If we all lived in the United States, one week would be considered a long time.
What do you like best about your mother-in-law?
She is scrupulous, responsible, and warmhearted. I can only use “great” to describe her.
What’s the biggest conflict between you and your mother-in-law?
It’s about cleanliness. She loves cleaning rooms, but I don’t. She criticized me because of not making the bed and tossing things. But she used gentle words. She said I should set an example for my kid. If I’m in a mess, how can I teach him and give him a clean environment?
What role does your husband play, when you disagree with your mother-in-law?
We don’t have such big problems that we need help from my husband. We can handle it between ourselves.
Which holidays do you celebrate with your mother-in-law? What did you/ would you give your mother-in-law as a special gift?
Her birthday, wedding anniversary, and Mother’s Day are all important. And other holidays like Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas I will also send her wishes and gifts. Last year on Mother’s Day, I gave her a music box. Her own daughter also gave her a music box, which is very interesting. And my mother-in-law said, “you are my real daughter!”
Photos: Courtesy of Benjamin Roswell and Ruby Zhang
This article appeared on p40-41 of beijingkids May 2018 issue
