With parenthood comes a whole host of unsolicited advice, comments, and questions. We’ve all been there: awkwardly stunned into silence, nervous laughter, or passive avoidance, or simply blindsided into sharing details of our private lives we otherwise would not wish to divulge. Whether it’s from a member of your family, a friend, or more often than not, an acquaintance, moms and dads can find themselves constantly dodging unwanted questions.
We ourselves are sometimes the culprits, and it’s always a good idea for parents to self-examine the way they interact with other parents. Parenthood is a wonderful connector and often brings about new friendships, support networks, and the opportunity to revel in the knowledge that you’re not alone in your daily challenges; however it is also a breeding ground for familiarity. Boundaries can sometimes get lost, and unintentional offence caused. This is never truer than for the countless exchanges that single-parent moms and dads experience when it comes to dealing with inappropriate questions.
Our mindset around single parenthood may need to change, and the following may help us all in that direction!
14 things not to say to a single parent
“Why aren’t you dating?”/”You should start dating”
You may mean well when trying to help a friend get back into the dating scene, however the above question or statement implies that your friend isn’t already perfectly and completely happy and content with being single. It also implies that in order to adequately raise their child they must go out on the hunt for not just a partner, but a second parent for their kid.
“You must be so happy and get so much done when your kids are with their other parent.”
Whether you’re a single parent or not, when you’re childless for the day, this often entails catching up on sleep, enjoying a few hours bingeing on your favourite Netflix series, or just lying around allowing yourself to indulge in eating treats you more often than not end up having to share. So no – just like every other parent who uses the last few minutes before their little one arrives home to get on with the domestic tasks they promised themselves would be complete – single parents don’t get as much done as they’d like, and just like you, they miss their kids when they are gone.
“Who/where is their other parent?”
First of all, this really isn’t any of your business and if you’re as close as you should be to even think that you should be privy to this information, the likelihood is that you will already know without having to ask! Is their child dressed, fed, and thriving? As long as a child is happy and well taken care of, who cares where the other parent is?
“All of your kids have the same father/mother, right?”
Jeez Louise! I hope this has never been uttered from your mouth. If you happen to be around a parent with multiple kids, this is one of the most offensive (and darn rudest) questions to ask if they have the same dad or mom. Like I said before, it really just isn’t any of your business.
“You’ve got your hands full!”
Erm…haven’t we all? And the fact that a parent is raising his or her child or children solo doesn’t call for you to make this a point of concern every time he or she leaves the house to go and do perfectly normal errands like grocery shopping or attending community events. Yup, keep schtum, or why not offer to pick up what they need when you’re off shopping with those hands of yours, that are just so empty?
“How do you do it?”
This is the equivalent of asking how you get up and get to work each day and function as a regular human being with responsibilities. Like all parents – you just do it. Oh, and single parenthood does not equate to complete isolation from all contact from other adults. Yes, single parents have those things we call families, close friends, even ayis, so they’re not completely alone. As they say, ‘It takes a village to raise a child’, right?
“It must be hard being both parents”
No. Actually, it’s not hard to be a mom or a dad to your child, especially when you’re not pretending to be the other parent too. Single parents are doing just that, parenting; they’re not seeking to be both parents, nor do they need to be in order to raise a child competently. What a ridiculous question.
“Now I know what it feels like to be a single parent! I can’t wait until my other half gets back in town. This is exhausting!”
Your significant other going out of town for a couple of days does not and cannot even begin to compare to how it feels daily to be a single parent. Stop trying to make comparisons. You may be trying your best to empathize and show that you care, but this is not the way to do it.
“Do you ever wonder where you’d be in your career if you didn’t have a kid?”
What? Does any parent sit and dwell on what their life would be like without their kids? Why would this be more the case for a single parent? Single moms and dads don’t worry more than any other parent about their careers or what might have been. Single parents can and do have successful careers in their chosen fields and I would argue can slay in this area more than those that perceive themselves as having a much a greater advantage. Single moms and dads may have to work harder with a different set of challenges; however they love their children and do not wallow in regret of any kind when it comes to their kids.
“Does your child see his father/mother? Is he/she involved?”
This can be perceived as a pretty pointless question to a single parent. Whether or not their former partners are involved in their child’s life is a mute point in regard to the raising of a kid in a single parent household. Again, if a child is happy and well cared for, what does it matter? Also, none of your business.
“Why can’t you ever hang out?”
This question, I hope, would only come from someone who is yet to experience the challenge of maintaining a slither of a former social life after having kids. Even so, the question still has no place in any conversation with a single parent (or non-single parents). On the rare occasion that any parent has free time, do you know what they usually would like to do with this? You guessed it. A whole host of things, that has nothing to do with getting dressed up for a night out, and more to do with taking naps, uninterrupted long showers or baths, eating a doughnut they do not have to share, reading a book, or just simply enjoying their own company in silence. It takes a lot of time, energy, and sometimes money (when a babysitter is needed), for any parent to hang out, and why you should occasionally ask if it would be OK to visit rather than ask them to leave their home (bring wine.)
“Where are your kids?”
Why does it matter? Where are yours?
“Do you ever regret having kids?”
In the unfortunate case where an individual may regret having a child, there are a plethora of reasons why this might be the case, and single parenthood does not rank as number one. Single parenthood is not plagued with sadness, regret, and yearning. More often than not, single parents are just as content and happy with their lives and of course unconditionally love their kids, just as much as the next parent.
“Are you getting child support?”
Hands up. I have regrettably been this person. Not every parent receives child support, and your judgment concerning this is never welcomed or acceptable. The child support process is a challenging one, and one that takes time and sometimes money. Not every single parent wants to go through this process, and this question also implies that a single mom or dad might not already have the means to adequately provide for their child. Again, is the child, dressed, fed, and thriving? Single parents take pride in caring for their children, just like any other. It’s best not to assume that because a parent does not receive child support, they aren’t able to sufficiently take care of the one human being they would do absolutely anything for.
With all that being said, it’s easy to stumble into territory where you have no business, throwing your questions around in when talking to moms and dads. Usually our questions come from a place of acknowledgement that single parenthood is not easy, and a way of showing that we care. Another way of showing that you care is to silence the questions that may cause offense and reflect upon any preconceived notions you may have concerning single parenthood. Let’s celebrate single moms and dads, and save them from the dreaded single-parenthood-third degree.
Photos: Pixabay
