Today, in the spirit of QiXi, also known as ‘Chinese Valentine’s Day’, we’re sharing some practical love advice.
You’ve traveled far and wide and made a life for yourself in Beijing. You’ve gotten to know the city and as fortune would have it, you’ve met the love of your life here – a local Beijinger. You can’t wait to spend the rest of your lives together and you’ve popped the big question.
But first things first, how do you go about tying the knot?
Your Chinese partner needs to fill out the proper paperwork wherever his or her hukou is registered. If they’re a Beijing local, great, a simple trip across town would do. If they’re from a different part of China then they’d need to return to their hometown to complete the paperwork. Along with their hukou they’d also need to be able to present their birth certificate and a health certificate that they obtain in a local nearby hospital.
Before moving onto the next step, you and your partner need to obtain a certificate of marriageability. While it has a funny name, the certificate serves to prove that you’re not married to anyone else in any other country. For foreigners, this is usually obtained at your embassy after you fill out an affidavit. If this isn’t the first time down the aisle for one or both of your, you’d also need to be able to present your original divorce certificate in order to tie the knot. If yours isn’t in Chinese, you’ll need to find a translation service that’ll be able to provide you with an official translated copy.
Then, you’ll need to have headshots ready. Like passport photos, these can be taken at any photo studio in the city and will need to be done in front of a red backdrop. When you go to get these done, tell the photographer when you’re getting them for and if they offer to give you some minor Photoshop touchups, well, why not? These are the photos going on your marriage certificate that’ll last for the rest of your lives.
Now with all your documents ready, you’re off to an unromantic registration. Don’t expect a gorgeous white hall with flowers. The Civil Affairs Bureau (民政局) is the same place where they process both divorces and marriages. While you and your partner might be giddy with excitement, the couple next to you could be there for the exact opposite reason.
You’re ushered into a small office and after presenting all your documents, the foreigner partner is likely to be asked the awkward question “are you entering into this marriage willingly?” along with the more mundane questions of verifying the information on the documents you’ve just submitted. Take it from me, this isn’t the time to be funny! Just answer the question you’re asked, and save your jokes for later.
After the brief interview and all your paperwork has been processed, you’ll be presented with your newly minted marriage certificates (one for each partner) and be ushered to a backdrop to take your official first photos as a legally married couple. Congratulations!
In fact, the paperwork for becoming a legally married couple in China is relatively simple. It’s the cultural clashes of everyday life that come after that are the real challenges. Back in 2012, the beijinger writer Scott Kronick shared 10 handy tips for a cross-cultural marriage in China, tips he’d painstakingly accumulated after more than 10 years of married bliss. We’re republishing his words of wisdom below.
Enjoy!
Tip #1: When you decide to marry and are told you must pay a dowry to her family, do not complain, especially if the expense is less than the cost of a high-quality pig. Years ago, the traditional dowry consisted of sewing machines, bicycles, and other varied gifts, so if you are asked to just hand over cash, don’t think twice. Also, don’t try to negotiate. That is not a good way to begin a marriage. In fact, if you really want to get off on the right foot, offer to double down.
Tip #2: During preparations for the wedding, don’t complain about the day that you spend taking pictures. Be thankful that you only have to change costumes ten times instead of 20. Get some rest because you may have to pose chasing your future wife up a grassy hill, hair flowing in the wind. Enjoy this exercise. You will appreciate the experience 18 years later when you look lovingly at your wife, who, by the way, has not aged nearly half as much as your sorry self.
Tip #3: Don’t complain about the “six gold gifts” that you must present upon your engagement. The gourmet candy and cookies that are shared with relatives, friends, and colleagues represent the appreciation you have for your soon-to-be bride. This candy/cookie tradition goes back generations, underlining the importance of the announcement that a daughter would be married, and back then there were few divorces. The sharing of sweets is a symbol for the future of your relationship. I suggest you avoid giving candy such as Sour Patch Kids or sour balls.
Tip #4: When discussing plans for having children, go beyond common questions such as “How many kids do you want?” If you don’t ask about basic beliefs about childrearing – such as when the children will “touch earth” after being carried around for their first two years of life, or rocking your child and patting their back vs. letting them cry themselves to sleep – they could become topics of contention once the baby arrives. As for the Chinese tradition of zuo yuezi (literally translated as “sitting out a month”), the month-long period of recuperation after your wife delivers, don’t zuo yuezi along with her. Your weight won’t go away as fast as your wife’s.
Tip #5: Don’t argue unnecessarily about right and wrong or whose culture is better than the other. There are too many gray areas in life, and most of these arguments don’t lead to any positive result. Don’t have a math contest. Don’t try to count money faster than your spouse. If your wife is a black belt in judo or any other form of martial arts, don’t ask her to prove it to you.
Tip #6: When going to a movie and snacking on popcorn, don’t comment about the dried fish your wife chooses to eat. If your wife desires to eat stinky tofu or durian fruit, smile. Don’t plug your nose or make some snide comment about how horrible they smell. Just politely decline to take part in their consumption.
Tip #7: If you are overweight and your wife is in great shape, don’t argue about health-related issues. Don’t be sarcastic when she talks about “hot” and “cold” foods, and don’t comment when she refuses to let you drink cold water. And if she tells you to walk around after you eat dinner instead of plopping down on the couch, walk! Don’t walk to the couch and count the steps. That doesn’t work.
Tip #8: Don’t joke about ghosts. There are hotels throughout China, Hong Kong, and Taiwan that are home to many ghosts. If you make fun of them, you could put yourself in harm’s way.
Tip #9: If your kid has a sniffle and your wife wants to take him or her to the hospital, just do it. It is easier than arguing and will save you a lifetime of guilt if something else really is wrong. If the doctor looks like he or she is older than your grandparents, they probably are. In China, this means that they are very experienced and have seen many patients in their day.
Tip #10: For true marital bliss, if you are asked for your opinion or point of view, be sure you consider all angles before responding. Sometimes it is best to respond to such a question with this: ”What do you think?” And then agree. That will save you a lot of arguments. Think about the following statement, which my wife shared with me early in our marriage to avoid all confrontation: “If a tree falls in the woods, and no one hears it, let’s just be clear … it’s your fault.”
KEEP READING: Casanova in Beijing – The Affair That Ended my Marriage
Photos: Pexels, Unsplash
