You Talking to Me? Tackling “Convenient Deafness” and Bad Behavior in Children

“Kid, get off that chair, go clean up the playroom, come to the table for dinner.”

Sounds simple enough to follow, right? Wrong!

If you are a parent, chances are you’ve been down this road, being driven absolutely crazy with having to repeat such simple phrases over and over and over again to your offspring (sigh).

Parenting is one heck of a job. It is like revisiting school to learn patience, self-control, and how to operate like a zombie on caffeine 24/7.

What’s more compelling is that at school, kids usually do as they’re told. But you ask them to do the simplest thing at home and suddenly they are “deaf” or you’re invisible. But just when you are tempted to scream and yell your hair off, think again, because that actually could make things worse.

The African Way of Raising Kids

“Look at this child! Answering me back with attitude. Where did you learn this? It must be that neighbor kid you are hanging out with, teaching you terrible manners. Bring that cane, I’m going to show you some manners.” This is a parent rant many people from Africa (and probably other cultures) will be familiar with. “Bad manners” in children are punishable, not by a “naughty corner” but with some spanking.

“Spare the rod, spoil the child” is a saying that is taken quite literally in some cultures. I, for one, find this to be an archaic way of punishment. We’ve seen horror videos of kids being smacked around like rag dolls by their parents or even caretakers.

Our mum raised ten children and never once lifted a hand to spank us, whatever transgressions we did. With her as an example, I’ve done my best to resist spanking my eldest daughter. I’ll admit, I’ve once given her a tick on the bum and I felt terrible afterward, so I know it’s not worth it.

So Why Won’t They Just Listen? Why the Bad Behavior?

There can be a number of reasons why children may seem to be ignoring simple requests and rules, not listening, and outright behaving badly – from just being tired or hungry to being jealous of a new sibling or the more serious ones like being bullied at school or, in divorced families, jealous of mum’s new boyfriend, or dad’s new girlfriend.

It could be that they don’t see you or play with you as much as they’d like to because you are too busy. You may also simply be too critical of their behavior so they stop trying to be “good.”

Solving the Problem

There’s hope though! Non-listeners, even the most persistent of them all, can change.

Educational psychologists, family counselors, and pure, plain mothers and fathers have some nuggets of wisdom on how to improve on this behavior in children, without resorting to (metaphorical) murder. I know, I know, some of these “solutions” can test us to the absolute limit but “practice makes perfect.”

When asking children to do something, try telling them to do one task at a time instead of barking out ten instructions simultaneously.

You want to lead by example so refrain from screaming and losing your temper at them. Instead, ask calmly what is going on and listen.

Don’t (over) use the word “don’t” when asking them to do something. Instead of saying “don’t play with that,” you can say “you may play with this, instead of that.” Kids hear action words and “don’t” is not an action word. “You say it all when you say nothing at all.” Sometimes I swear by this, an example my mum exercised a lot when we were growing up. She told us something and didn’t say much anymore – just threw us a glance or two and we magically remembered to do as she asked. So, try counting quietly in your head from one to ten before repeating a request to a child. By count eight, they will usually start to respond, no screaming or nagging necessary.

Show approval. Yes, they can be rascals but surely they are doing something well… many other things well. So, show that you appreciate their good deeds by commenting on the specific good actions they do, like thanking them for clearing the table, and so on. Mentioning what your child does well will give them a boost to continue with better behavior.

Avoid Bribing or Threatening Them

Be persistent in correcting bad behavior. Giving up for the sake of some peace and quiet is the easiest thing to do but that will only allow the behavior to grow and get worse. If he makes noise about brushing his teeth every night and you relent and let him go to bed with his teeth full of dinner leftovers, he will think it normal from then on.

Try to make eye contact while talking to them. For children below your height, have your face at the same level as them when requesting them to do something.

Reward good behavior, especially in children between two and a half to six years old. Reward charts are easy to work with, they show immediate approval for specific actions.

Relax a Little. Don’t Have Too Many Rules

If all fails, use that naughty step/naughty corner for some time-out. Remember, there’ll be a lot of frustration along the way but consistency is the key.

Enforcing these rules and actions may get you lots of “I hate you” or “you are not my parents, I am going to find another home.”

But, that just means you’ve made it as a parent!

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

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