When we announced our move to Beijing, the reactions were as vast as they were wide-eyed. You could tell who would never understand and who was jealous, who was inquisitive, and who was in denial (cough cough, my own mother).
No matter the reactions of family and friends, however, you and your family unit must understand what embarking on this adventure means for every single member. What are you giving up and what does everyone want out of it? Even when your kids are young, honing in on everyone’s perspective will go a long way towards maintaining open communication. And truth be told, that is the key to making any relocation run as smoothly as possible: communication. You and your spouse must talk to each other and listen to one another, even – and especially – if they are saying things you don’t want to hear. It’s one thing to jump into an adventure with an open mind and an open heart; it’s another to have completely different expectations of the journey than your spouse.
That goes double for your children. They have the least amount of say in these decisions. Continually check in with them and find out how they’re feeling. Let them know it’s okay to be scared and excited; it’s fine to feel grateful and resentful, sometimes simultaneously.
I know some families who barreled through without telling their kids anything, and others who made decisions specifically based on how it would affect their kids. I know employees who never involved their spouse in the relocation talks, such that they arrived in a new country without so much as an emergency contact in the company or the foggiest idea of how to pay for something.
Many of these questions will inevitably lead to other questions, but it’s a strong start. For the sake of ease, we’re going to assume that the two adults in question are married, and we’ll refer to one as “the employee” and the other as “the supportive spouse,” rather than using the sometimes insulting term “trailing spouse.”
• Why does the employee want the job?
◦ What will it do for their career?
◦ What will the employee have to give up to take the job (friends, extended family, favorite gym or brewery, etc.)
• What will the supportive spouse have to give up to take the job? (their own career, trusted babysitters, friends, social unit…)
• Are there ways to make up for that somehow?
• What will the supportive spouse do while they are here?
◦ Are there chances for them to work in China?
◦ Are there opportunities to work remotely?
◦ Is there a passion project they want to develop?
◦ Are there courses they want to take or higher education to pursue?
• What are the benefits of taking the job and moving that the supportive spouse can enjoy?
• What will the kids give up to move? (friends, a familiar school system, predictable social norms…)
• How do your children adjust to change?
• How can you help them through the process?
• Are you all up for an adventure or just want to “do your time” until the assignment is over?
• How invested are you in learning the language?
◦ How can the whole family stay involved and progress in language proficiency?
• What are the major historical sites you want to see?
• What are the cultural experiences you must take part in?
• Do you want to learn a traditional craft from the host country?
• Who is in charge of the visa processing, paperwork, etc. needed to make this happen? (Even with a company moving you, the paperwork for relocating to Beijing is dense.)
• What are the priorities in choosing a school?
◦ How does that affect where you want to live?
• What are your priorities in choosing a place to live? (location, amenities, services, proximity to the subway, or outdoor space…)
◦ Are your children small and not of school age?
◦ Will you hire an ayi? Full or part-time? Through an agency or referral? (read this article)
• Do you have savings goals from this assignment?
◦ How can you achieve them?
◦ Who is the responsible party in the household for ensuring those goals are met?
• How much travel will the employee need to do once you’re moved to the host country?
◦ Is the supportive spouse comfortable with that solo time?
• Do you own a house in your home country?
◦ Will you sell it or rent it while you are gone?
◦ What are your financial goals for either scenario?
◦ What renovations or repairs do you need to do before that happens?
◦ What does that mean for your return?
• What will you do with any cars you own?
• Do you need a storage unit in your home country?
◦ Who in the home country will have a spare key in the event that you need to get into it?
• Will you need a PO Box in your home country?
• Will your phones work in your host country?
• Does the company help facilitate getting a phone account and setting up other utilities?
• Who is the main contact for the company relocation guide?
◦ Can supportive spouse be cc’ed on communication when necessary?
◦ Can the supportive spouse be the main contact for some areas of the relocation?
• Does the company provide air filters and water filters?
• Does the company pay for international school at any age, or starting at a certain age?
• Who is in charge of the packing and interfacing with the shipment companies?
• Who is in charge of the reimbursements from, and during, relocation?
• Who is in charge of setting up the school tours?
• Are you able to have a look-see visit prior to moving?
◦ Who will watch the kids?
◦ Can the kids come with you?
◦ How much control do you have over the housing and schools that you tour?
• What vaccinations are needed to enter the host country?
• What medical checkups or procedures are needed or preferred before moving?
◦ Any dental checkups?
◦ Is all medical, dental, and vision paperwork in order?
◦ Do you need medical IDs translated?
• What is the repatriation plan?
• Can you repatriate to an area other than where you moved from?Questions You Don’t Really Want to Ask But Should
• Is the employee or the spouse prone to drinking alcohol in stressful situations?
◦ If so, how will you, as a family, combat that?
• Do you have a support system in place for any medical or mental health emergencies?
• Do you have a Last Will and Testament? Do you need one?
• Does your company have a contingency plan if a close relative passes away during your assignment? Will you be able to return or are the borders still difficult to cross?
• Does your company have a contingency plan if someone in your immediate family falls ill?
• Are the employee and supportive spouse good at making new friends or is it difficult?
• What happens if someone in the family has trouble adjusting to your new city?
These questions are all just the tip of the proverbial iceberg that is relocating an entire family for the job of (most likely) one family member. Every single question here should lead you to other questions, and not all can be answered in one sitting. Moving is one of the most stressful situations any family can undertake together, but it is a journey to take together. It’s important that every family members’ perspective is taken into account and that an understanding is reached. Talk about it over coffee if the morning is the time when you have a clear head, or make a point to discuss one aspect of it at dinnertime for a month. However you go about it, take the time to communicate, and everyone in your family is much more likely to have a positive and realistic attitude towards relocation.
This article appeared in the jingkids 2021 May issue
