Leadership – it’s a single word that conjures up a host of images, feelings, and ideas. We associate it with success, happiness, and a charmed life earned through hard work. Most parents will tell you they want to raise leaders. Fortune Magazine and the Harvard Business Review consistently list “Leadership” as a sought-after skill and, in fact, when I did an internet search for “what are fortune 500 companies looking for” leadership was literally the first word of the first result.
We spend a lot of time telling our kids to be leaders, reminding them they will need experience on their resumes, and pressuring them into perceived leadership positions because we believe it will look good on their college applications. But the truth is we don’t spend any time actually teaching kids how to lead. So what makes a leader and how can you foster that in your child?
Let’s start by examining what leadership isn’t. Leadership is not about being in charge. It’s not about being a boss, not about telling people what to do, making speeches, getting credit, or receiving special treatment. That is rulership.
Leadership is about helping guide a team to a common goal and it is not a skill in and of itself. Leadership is a toolbox of skills and an understanding of how to use them for the collective good. Those tools include practical things like communication, organization, and systems thinking as well as more ephemeral abilities like creativity and empathy. When we talk about leaders, we are talking about people who know which skills to employ at the right moment to help the community achieve.
Every amazing leader I have ever had the privilege to work with had five things in common. Their MOs might have been different. But their ideology was consistent.
- Leaders understand the goal: Especially in times of conflict leaders are able to keep their eye on the prize. They know what the ultimate objective is and they don’t get distracted or let their team waver. That’s why team sports produce so many leaders. There is a clear objective for the group. If your child doesn’t have an interest in sports, theatre, team debate, or choir can have a similar result. But even beyond group activities you as a parent can help hone the skill by simply asking the question: “What is the goal, what do you want?” Then help the child figure out if the current actions they are engaging in are getting them closer or farther away from the goal.
- Leaders know it’s we, not me: Leaders realize they need others and they understand what motivates and drives people. They are empathetic and see things from multiple perspectives. They understand that their job is to be in service to other team members so the team members can be in service to the aforementioned goal. Encourage your child to see things from multiple perspectives and identify the needs of others. If they are frustrated with a teammate’s performance ask them to think about what they can do to help the other person grow so that the team can get better. Can they take them for a run to help them build stamina? Provide emotional support during games to build confidence? Help them sharpen their presentation skills before the next debate?
- Leaders know when to follow: No one is good at everything and the best captains are often the worst sailors. Their skill is recognizing when someone else is great and in a better position to guide the crew. Help your child learn to identify their own weaknesses and other people’s strengths. Encourage them to publicly applaud other people’s skills and volunteer someone else to be in the spotlight when it’s warranted. “You are a great designer but Jo is an excellent seamstress, maybe you should ask her to lead the costume construction?” Good leaders build balanced teams.
- Leaders don’t need a title or the spotlight: Being the captain of the team or the CEO doesn’t automatically make you a leader. Leaders are the people who step up, and often they do it quietly and with little or no bestowed authority. So when your child sees an injustice or identifies a problem big or small give them a chance to fix it. If they have a friend getting bullied at school, encourage them to be the one who walks that person to class so they don’t have to run the gauntlet that is a high school hallway alone. Let them be the ones to encourage their siblings to recycle or the person who sends a letter to the principal asking for more inclusive books in the library. Don’t pressure them to be extroverted if they aren’t. There are many different styles of leadership, let them find what works for them.
- Leaders self-evaluate: As people, we are always learning and growing. Leaders know to review their own work and take responsibility for their choices before they hold the team accountable. It’s not always easy, especially if you and your team didn’t achieve the goal. But it is a gold mine of information. After each activity, guide your child through the process. “What did you do well? What could you have done differently to get a different outcome? Was there a way to help bring out the best in someone else that might have gotten a more efficient result?” No right or wrong answers. Just the ability to look objectively at the situation and learn from it.
So how do we teach our kids which tools to use and when to use them? We don’t. Instead, we put them in situations where they get an opportunity to use their skills and a chance to evaluate and reflect on the experience so they can figure out how to get better and more efficient results in the future.
Ultimately, leadership is a lifelong journey and it’s learned by doing and interacting, not studying or taking classes. Ideally, the best way to learn to lead is to do it under the guidance of a mentor who can help evaluate and guide the process, so something like scouting or a junior councilor position at a camp is ideal because an adult is helping the student navigate the process. Things like a school play, a sports team, or debate are also great. But it could just be an unstructured group of friends trying to clean up the environment and you can act as their guide. Let them learn through trial and error by mixing and matching all the skills they have been developing to reach the goal. They won’t always strike the right balance and that’s okay because leadership is not something you achieve, it is a means to help everyone achieve together.
KEEP READING: Really Communicating With Your Child at Every Age
Images: Canva
