Being a third culture kid is, on balance, pretty great. We have access to the best schools, enjoy unbelievable travel opportunities, and by the time we leave for college, we have a global network most international CEOs would envy. But there are some tough aspects too. And one that never stops hurting is all the goodbyes.
As so many members of our community are being forced to leave the Jing, goodbyes are becoming more frequent and, in many cases, more sudden. Even if your family is not departing there is a good chance your child is still saying goodbye to friends, teachers, and neighbors, and they may be struggling just as much as their friends who are boarding a plane.
As an educator and a former expat kid myself, I’m hoping the following will help you as parents guide your children through this emotional and sometimes scary time. As always, take what works for you and leave the rest.
Honor the feelings: Your child is experiencing a loss and that’s painful. They may feel shock, anger, grief, guilt, abandonment, or a thousand other emotions. It’s ok to talk about it. In fact, you should talk about it because only after feelings are felt and expressed can you move on from them. You may be going through losses too, so model healthy processing by sharing your own feelings about saying goodbye to people you love.
That being said, don’t push. If your child is not a big talker, try to give them another outlet. Journaling or creating a collage or art piece can help many kids process. Likewise, an athletic kid might need extra time in the gym or on the field to work through it all. Remember that these feelings will probably come in waves. One day they are fine and the next it feels overwhelming, this is a process.
Make new memories: If time allows, arrange at least one (maybe more) last special event for your kids and their friend. This could be as simple as a sleepover with their besties, or as dramatic as a big farewell party. But often the more intimate things matter the most. Arrange a last hike on the Great Wall or tickets to that acrobatics show you kept meaning to see but never got around to. Take pictures and record the experience. These can be a source of comfort later on.
Look Ahead: Part of dealing with grief is realizing all things are transient and this moment will give way to a brighter one. Help your child think about all the amazing adventures ahead. For a family leaving, that could be decorating a new home, getting to go back to their favorite hometown restaurant and see old friends, or exploring a new country. For those remaining, help them look forward to all the great stuff still available. The friends who stayed, next year’s prom, the family vacation, or camp this summer. It can help to have them create a vision board with pictures of what they are excited to do in the next year.
See you later, not goodbye: I am shocked by how many people from my childhood I run into. My second-grade reading buddy from Pakistan and I found each other again in middle school when our families were both sent to Washington DC. As adults, we moved to separate continents but now find ourselves ‘Asia neighbors’ as she is living only a short flight away in Cambodia. There are countless other reconnects — the parent at my school in New York who “looks familiar” (we both attended the same international school for a while), the random “Oh my God! How are you!!!!” as I crossed paths with an old travel buddy during an airport layover. The world is small for a third culture kid, and it is easier now to stay in touch than ever before. Let them know this is not the end of the friendship, just a new phase. Get all the contact info and encourage your child to check in occasionally and keep those friendships strong.
Farewell gift: Last but not least, I encourage a small token exchange. Something meaningful and important can help give a child closure and offer connection even through distance. That last picture you took on the Great Wall hike? Print it and frame one for each child or turn it into a fridge magnet or puzzle. Matching key chains from the souvenir stand at the acrobatic show can clip to a backpack as a remembrance and a conversation starter at a new school. I once knew a family that bought their daughter and her best friend a star, so that when they felt lonely they could look up at the sky, and know they were still connected. Again, this does not need to be big and dramatic. The little things often carry the most meaning and as global nomads, the small stuff has a way of making it into the carry-on when large items are hard to haul around.
The good news is this. Goodbyes do get easier with practice, and learning how to let go of one thing so another thing can enter your life is a skill most adults never truly learn. Yes, it is painful, but growth always is. To all those expat kids heading off to their next adventure, you are loved and will be missed but we are so excited for you! To those expat kids staying behind, you are loved and they will miss you, but I promise Beijing has more adventures in store for you!
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Images: Canva
