From temper tantrums to teenage angst, there’s always a new challenge for parents at every stage of our kids’ growth. As they get ready to enter young adulthood and enjoy new freedoms, there are some important matters to consider that may not be easy to bring up, such as their sexuality and sexual health. Whether our children are boys, girls, or somewhere in between, this is a critical issue that we as parents should ensure our offspring have knowledge of, and, more importantly, are able to discuss with us as caregivers, even as we relinquish our hold on them.
Speaking to Paula Kelleher, an advocate for body literacy and female fertility awareness, as well as a soon-to-be-certified Justisse practitioner, we break the silence around this all-too-taboo topic and talk about sex.
Let’s get right down to it. Do you think that abstinence is still a viable stand to take in this liberal day and age?
That depends on the motivations for being abstinent! When practicing a fertility awareness-based method to avoid pregnancy naturally, periodic abstinence from intercourse during the woman’s fertile window is advised in order for the method to be successful.
When complete abstinence is taught or advocated from a “sex education” or pregnancy prevention perspective, it may not be realistic or appealing for many people – and that’s okay! For others, abstinence may be an important value and that’s okay too.
Whether you choose to have lots of sex or no sex at all, as long as you are happy and not pressured into thinking or acting any certain way then it’s all good.
Assuming a sex-positive stance, what should students do to ensure they remain safe sexually?
Consent, consent, consent! Always communicate, listen to, and respect you and your partner’s feelings and boundaries. Use condoms and/or dental dams to protect from sexually transmitted infections (STIs) for both penetrative and oral sex. Get screened for STIs regularly, especially if you have multiple partners and absolutely if you have unprotected sex. Always pee after sex to reduce risk of urinary tract infections (UTIs). Make sure your partner’s hands, mouth, and/or genitals are clean before engaging in sexual activity.
What else should a college-bound student keep in mind about their sexual health as they begin their life of independence?
This can be a really fun and exciting time for young people to experience and experiment with their sexuality. But there are also a lot of other less glamorous considerations to keep in mind!
Unfortunately for young women, the burden of contraception and pregnancy prevention mainly lies with you. If you decide to use hormonal birth control, make sure you research it well and are aware of all of the risks (especially the ones your doctor may not tell you about). Take steps to reduce any negative impact, for example; find out accurate information about any family history of breast and cervical cancer, blood clots, or stroke; make sure your gut health is optimal; get checked for nutrient deficiencies caused by hormonal contraceptives (B vitamins, zinc, magnesium, etc.); and improve your diet and/or take supplements as needed. If you experience symptoms or side effects (especially depression, mood swings, or anxiety), know that you are not crazy and it’s not all in your head. Try to find an alternative because you shouldn’t have to suffer.
Barrier methods, such as condoms and cervical caps, are non-hormonal and mostly side effect-free forms of birth control, and only condoms can protect against sexually transmitted infections (STIs).
Understanding your body is really valuable! Women are only fertile a few days each cycle. Practicing a fertility awareness method (FAM) and knowing exactly where you are in your cycle, when you’re fertile (i.e. when pregnancy could occur) and when you’re not is a super empowering tool that can inform the decisions you make around your life and your sexual activity.
Fertility awareness requires diligence and consistency, and takes time and effort to learn from a qualified instructor. FAM and body literacy have so many amazing female empowerment and health benefits, in addition to pregnancy prevention. But if your lifestyle at college means you are not able to practice the method correctly, then it can’t be used as a way to avoid pregnancy. FAM may not be suitable for you at every stage of your life, but it will always be there for you whenever you are ready.
In the social media and smart phone era, it’s really important to protect your privacy. Never ever send nude photographs or consent to be photographed or recorded in a sexually explicit way.
What can parents do to support their children as they get ready to send them packing?
Talk to your kids and let them know you’re always there to support them around issues regarding their sexuality or sexual behavior. Confront any awkwardness you may experience, and get knowledgeable about the topic – don’t bury your head in the sand and pretend like it’s not happening! Encourage open and honest discussions in your home around sex, relationships, and sexual and reproductive health.
Look at it this way –– sex happens, either now or eventually. As parents, we need to prepare our kids for the world and all it encompasses. So if you haven’t done it yet, you’re just going to have to bite the bullet and sit your soon-to-be legal (by US standards, since China’s age of consent is 14) child down for The Talk.
This article appeared in the jingkids 2022 Graduation issue
