You have purchased every possible organizational supply and home good you can think of and helped them make their dorm as cozy as possible. The computer is working, the new credit card is activated, and you even made sure the mini-fridge is fully stocked. You can’t postpone it any longer – it’s time to leave your baby at college. You’re standing there looking at your fully grown, brilliant child, and you’re wracking your brains for some final words of wisdom and encouragement. What can you possibly say – what magic words of protection can you offer? At that moment, if all else fails you say, “Remember that I love you and to always choose kindness.”
That’s sage advice not only on an emotional level but a practical level according to Dr. Oliver Scott Curry. Curry led a team in a meta-analysis of 27 studies on kindness and found that students who committed acts of kindness experienced higher rates of happiness and well-being, which correlated with better academic performance and motivation. In addition, kindness will help your child build a support system and friend network that has numerous social and emotional benefits, according to a study by Harvard Health.
Kindness is not a feeling, it is an action. Here are a few ways college freshmen can build a community using acts of kindness.
They can show empathy: College students are going to find themselves in conflict with other people. Their roommate took the last granola bar, their study buddy didn’t do the reading, and the guy down the hall always takes 20-minute showers that use up all the hot water. Help your child remember that everyone has a back story and a reason for their actions. Seeing things from another person’s perspective doesn’t mean that they agree with those actions, but it will help them resolve the conflict with less drama and a more productive outcome.
They can anticipate needs: It’s easy to get tunnel vision about your own issues when you are in a new and strange environment. Your child is likely nervous and focused on their own issues and objectives. Remind them to be on the lookout for little ways they can assist others who are just as scared and hyper-focused as they are. Let the guy in Ethics 101 borrow the phone charger, or hold the door for the secretary hauling boxes. Most acts of kindness are small but have an outsized impact.
Drop a note: To this day I have no idea who left the words “Heard you rehearsing in the music lab, you are awesome!” scrawled across the whiteboard on my dorm door sophomore year. I was having a rotten day where it felt like I could do nothing right and that one comment turned the whole day around.
They can be a good listener: Your child probably understands homesickness and loneliness better than most. That’s part of the expat experience. Remind them that for most other students this will be their first experience with these feelings. Your child has a skill set and coping mechanisms that others may not, and listening compassionately to the fears of their classmates will go a long way.
Choose kind words: Sticks and stones might break your bones but words can shred your soul… When they are frustrated or angry, and they will be occasionally, remind your child that their words matter. The person they aim those barbed comments at might never recover from the cruelty. The reverse is true, too. The genuine compliment they give could make all the difference in someone’s day.
Volunteer: Not only will your child be doing something good for the community by volunteering, they will also be building a friend group and support system of other like-minded individuals with similar values. Aren’t those the kind of friends you want to have your child’s back when you are across an ocean? Help them brainstorm the things they care about and then encourage them to seek out groups on campus that address those issues. Are they interested in conservation? Feeding the homeless? Maybe social equity or education? Whatever they care about, like-minded people are trying to make a difference.
Stick up for the little guy: Unfortunately, bullying didn’t get left in high school. There will still be mean kids and the bullied students no longer have a support system because they left it back home. Befriending the kid no one else wants to sit with is often an act of bravery, but you also never know – they might be buddying up to the next Elon Musk or Oprah Winfrey.
Turn it inward: Kindness isn’t just about what you do for others. It’s also about being kind to yourself. Make sure your child gives themself the same grace and compassion they would grant others. Especially if they are a high achiever or have a type A personality. They won’t always ace the test, get on the team or make the right choices. That’s ok! It’s part of being human. What matters is how they deal with it. So help them ensure they are working some self-care into their routine.
Don’t expect payback: Unfortunately, we won’t always get the kindness we give back. Not everyone says thank you, and we don’t always get to see the immediate results of our actions. But that doesn’t mean we didn’t have an effect.
As you wave goodbye to your scholar, it’s ok to worry – that’s normal. But trust that you gave them everything they need to build the life they want, and that they will make the most of the opportunity. Check in regularly, but know that they will be just fine building a new community based on the respect and kindness you spent a lifetime teaching them.
This article appeared in the jingkids 2022 Graduation issue
