A Monkey Speaks

新年快乐!

I’m particularly pleased to wish you a happy new year, dear readers, since this is my birth year; I am proud to be a monkey. (From which you will deduce that I turn twenty-four this year. Ahem.) What is it they say about monkeys? “Wise, intelligent, confident, charismatic, loyal, inventive…” Yup, that’s definitely me.

So of course this year will be very fortunate for me. What’s that? What do you mean it won’t? Oh. Apparently Monkey years are unlucky for people born in Monkey years. We Monkeys are so mischievous and troublesome that when we run into each other, one of us has to keep his head down, or there’ll be shrieking and baring of fangs. Since 2016 is unlikely to stay out of my way, it follows that I have to pass through the year as unobtrusively as possible.

But wait. Master Tsai, esteemed provider of online horoscopes, holds out a shred of hope.

“Monkey is in the Metal group. Monkey year will bring more Metal to you. If you already have too much Metal in your astrology birth chart, then you won’t do well in the Monkey years. If you have only a few Metal in your birth chart, then the Monkey always brings you good luck.”

Quick, I have to find out how much Metal I have in my birth chart! I enter the details, and discover that I am now a Green Sheep. This is disappointing; I definitely preferred being a monkey. What other wisdom does Master Tsai have to offer?

“The events in this month are related to independence, expansion, lost, plot, complex, challenge, simplicity, competition, egotism, friendship, separation and decision… You might need medical care if you don’t feel well.”

It’s difficult to argue with Master Tsai. And I’ve written before about how susceptible people are to this sort of personality analysis. It’s called the Forer Effect; we tend to believe that statements which apply to everybody are specific to us. After all, who doesn’t think they’re wise, intelligent, confident, charismatic, loyal, and inventive?

So maybe I won’t need to keep quiet in 2016. (It would make my job rather difficult if I did.) And to you, the wise, intelligent, confident, charismatic, loyal, inventive readers of beijingkids, I wish the best of fortune for the coming year. And not too much Metal. Unless Metal is what you want, in which case I wish you lots of Metal. Rock on, dudes.