The ebb and flow of expat friendships
This June, each of my three kids is waving goodbye to at least one of their best pals
When we were deciding whether or not to move to China from New Jersey, the requested three-year commitment was the last great hurdle to clear. It just seemed like such a long time to agree to be away from home. That was a little more than three years ago. As the time to make a final decision about extending our stay drew close last winter, it was painfully obvious that those three years which once loomed so large weren’t nearly long enough. We signed on for another year.
Had we stuck to our original plan, we’d be packing up to head home to the U.S. right now. We clearly weren’t ready to make that move – it was an easy decision that I haven’t looked back on. It became clear, however, that when moving trucks started filling the lanes of our villa compound once again, our neighbors who had also faced the same decision had decided otherwise.
June is the cruelest month in the expat world. It’s a transient community with many people on fixed time work assignments, and people with families try to time their moves for the end of the school year. In each of the years that we’ve been here, at least one person in our family loses one beloved friend, if not more.
But this June has been particularly difficult. After three years, we are losing some of our most stalwart comrades, people who have been by our sides throughout our stay in Beijing. Each of my three kids is waving goodbye to at least one of their best pals. This year, for Anna and Eli, the losses are particularly resonant.
Race Cameron, who is bound for San Diego, California, has been Eli’s inseparable best friend since the first week we arrived in Beijing in August of 2005. They were in Year 1 (kindergarten) together and have been attached at the hip ever since. They’ve gotten into trouble together, learned to read together, become at least marginally better at playing by school rules together. As they finish Year 3 (2nd grade), I feel almost as proud of Race for his development as I do for Eli.
Anna is also losing a bosom buddy, Mathius Belete. Just the other day she declared him her best friend, after spending most of two days playing at his house. She is almost five and Mathius has been in her life as long as she can remember. Unlike her brothers, she doesn’t really have great friends back in America. We were talking about his moving away while Anna munched on a bowl of cereal. In between bites she said, “Well, at least Lauren’s not leaving.”
I swallowed hard. Lauren’s mom had just told me the day before that there was a high probability they’d be moving on, too. She asked me not to mention it to Anna until it was a done deal. That happened a few weeks later and I broke the news to Anna, again while sitting at our kitchen table. Her lower lip quivered and her eyes welled.
“I’m losing my whole soccer team!” she wailed. She was silent for a few minutes, before finally asking, “Is Eddie leaving, too?” She was referring to another friend, with whom she had just played all afternoon. I assured her he wasn’t. I didn’t mention that Eddie’s family would be moving to New Delhi in December.
Every June, I have to tell the kids that the moving trucks pulling out now will be pulling back in with new people soon. It does sound a little hollow, even to me, but Jacob did find a new best friend last August, when Kerk Liew pulled in from Shanghai and landed across the street.
Maybe Anna or Eli can get lucky, too.
