Janice and Tao Kai moved to Beijing when Tao Kai’s father fell ill. At first, they would share in the nursing duties, but once Tao Kai was promoted to deputy manager, he spent more and more time at the office or traveling overseas, leaving Janice to care for her father-in-law alone. On the weekends when Tao Kai was home, he would take his father out to the park to give Janice a much needed break. He never invited her to come along, but she was happy to use the time unconstrained to do chores or see friends. Although they were physically together, they were virtually independent of each other, pursuing separate interests and activities. After Tao Kai’s father passed away, the couple had even less of a common bond and conversations became stilted and superficial. Janice wanted to return to the US, but Tao Kai was given another promotion. Although she didn’t want to give her husband an ultimatum, Janice decided to return to the US and see if he would go back with her. He didn’t.
The unfettered freedom of unmarried singles often looks attractive to a spouse sandwiched between work, soccer practice and weekend chores. But as the anniversaries pile up, spouses may take on some aspects of singledom – that is being married, but living separate lives. This is not uncommon, and even more so for expatriates who find themselves separated on a regular basis with one spouse away on business or an extended home leave.
Single-but-married (SBM) couples can seem great on the surface, with relationships appearing stable and constant. His and Her schedules allow breathing room for a gloss of civility that can continue for months or even years. Gradually though, these couples can grow distant and cold. It’s easy to develop routines that don’t involve the other. One spouse’s sudden return can upset what was once a predictable and comfortable schedule. Throw children into the mix and suddenly there’s confusion as to who has the final say on matters. Feelings of rejection, anxiety and insecurity may fester inside, and one or both spouses may seek to fill the void with more work, or even alcohol, or extra-marital affairs.
The path of the SBM is insidious, often sneaking into the relationship. There’s no fiery confrontation, no third party, no obvious abuse, just distance – you become something more than roommates but something less than lovers.
Why do couples choose to lead separate lives? Many times there are young children involved and an undeclared agreement of unity is put in place until they reach an age of independence. Finances are another consideration. A marriage in which two incomes are needed or with one spouse who is financially dependent on the other anchors the relationship in muddy waters – the fear of a drop in lifestyle often compels such couples to keep a marriage in name only.
Why do couples choose to lead separate lives? Many times there are young children involved and an undeclared agreement of unity is put in place until they reach an age of independence. Finances are another consideration. A marriage in which two incomes are needed or with one spouse who is financially dependent on the other anchors the relationship in muddy waters – the fear of a drop in lifestyle often compels such couples to keep a marriage in name only.
Stop your journey as a SBM. Take stock of the good in the relationship – recognize that it’s worth fighting for. Safeguard time for regular dates. Jettison the things that are keeping you apart. Take up common interests and activities. And invest your time wisely with the help of a relationship counselor or marriage workshops. John Gottman’s book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last is an easy-to-understand guide to better communications and research-based case studies of marriages that worked and did not and why.
Whether you’re living the SBM lifestyle or not, isn’t it time you rediscovered
your vows and revitalized your marriage?
Dinah escaped the cold, snowy winters of Toronto for the cold, smoggy winters of Beijing. A wife, mother and writer (not always in that order), she has lived abroad for the past two decades. Married for a similar period to the same man (easier or harder?), she has learned that while love may be blind, sometimes it helps to be deaf (his snoring) and mute (football again?) as well. Read more from Dinah at http://aletterfromabroad.wordpress.com
This article is excerpted from beijingkids October 2011 issue. View it in PDF form here or contact distribution@beijing-kids.com to find out where you can pick up your free copy.
