This month we ask parents from different cultural backgrounds how they handle the sensitive issue of talking to their kids about love, sex, and where babies come from.
Alex Weber is a Corporate Trainer and Business Consultant from the US. He has three children: Jason (17) attends the Pakistan Embassy School, Jasmine (14) is at Nanshan Waldorf School, and Jackson (6) goes to AnDeHuaXu Waldorf School.
At what age did you start talking to your children about sex?
I didn’t go out of my way to talk to my children about sex until my oldest was coming up on puberty, but I didn’t avoid the topic either. So as questions naturally came up, we would answer things honestly, sometimes with less specific vocabulary.
Before that, where did you say babies come from?
We’d basically say you came from mom’s stomach. We never had any fanciful tales about storks or buying them on sale at the supermarket. We’ve always been pretty matter of fact with the children about human biology, and where they come from.
What approach did you take?
When my son was 12, I decided it was time to have The Talk, so I made an elaborate PowerPoint presentation. I took him out to a Russian restaurant, got him a tea and I had a beer, and I took him through it, answering whatever questions he had. I made sure to talk about reproductive biology, but I also tried to make a lot of the talk about consent, and boundaries, and interpersonal relationships, particularly as it relates to adolescents.
Do you think parents should speak differently to boys and girls about this?
I don’t think that parents should speak differently to girls and boys, though I have to admit I’m guilty of it. I worry that my daughter might get, I don’t know, “squicked out” by her father trying to have The Talk with her. My wife, who’s Chinese, is a little bit more reluctant to have a conversation with her, and doesn’t think that at 14 it’s time. I’m gently prodding that because I think it is time.
What about boundaries and appropriate behavior?
Rather amusingly, after I’d made the PowerPoint for my son, one of my colleagues, who’s Chinese, asked me if I would please, please, please have The Talk with her son. I looked at her and said, “Your son is 17, and sexually active, and doesn’t know me very well. He doesn’t need his mother’s colleague sitting down with a PowerPoint presentation and embarrassing him. Why don’t you talk to him a little bit?” But she didn’t feel that she could.
Have you talked about consent?
A recurring theme was certainly consent, because I think parenting teenage boys, the onus really needs to be on boys. There’s too much in our culture right now about talking to girls about how to protect themselves. And I think talking to boys about what acceptable behavior is, how to obtain consent, how to actually make sure that it’s not reluctant or forced consent, being very mindful of these things, is really of utmost importance.
Have you talked to them about same-sex relationships?
I’ve talked to my children about same sex relationships, sure. I have people in my family and friends who are around and who are in their lives have been in same sex relationships, so it doesn’t seem bizarre to them. My six year old gets indignant – when he says he’s going to marry a girl, I say “or a boy”, and he says, “NO! Absolutely not.” But I leave the possibility open with them, trying to be very matter of fact about it.
At what age would you be happy with your child having a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
Well, it’s been a battle with my 17 year old over the last few years. It’s not a question of me being happy, it’s a question of them finding their boundaries, and me giving them enough room to explore while keeping them safe. So I’m not happy about it, but I don’t forbid it. I try to guide, and I try to give some input. But yeah, my teenager has been broken-hearted a couple of times this year over girl trouble.
My 14 year old, my daughter, is very interested in boys now, and I think that’s fine, I think that’s normal. I’m not going to be one of these, “Oh, my daughter, when she’s 30, otherwise I’ll shoot you!” I don’t like the double standard. So it is hard, she’s my little girl, and I adore her, but I want her to be happy, and I want her to explore. So 14 might be a little young, but she’ll come to that when she’s ready, and I’ll be there to guide her and support her, and maybe cast the odd menacing look at the boys when they come over, but no more than I do at my darling son’s girlfriends.
Yan Jia is a mother to two boys.
At what age did you start talking to your children about sex?
As soon as they were born – well, of course they cannot talk or have a conversation with me, but it doesn’t mean that I couldn’t talk to my babies. I sort of talked to them (or better described as talked to myself) while giving care to them. Particularly while giving a bath or changing diapers for them, I would tell them which body parts that I was going to wash for them: you are a boy, this is your special body part as a boy etc. I believe conversations (or talks) like these are part of sex and gender education.
When my boys turned 18 months or two, and they were able to communicate with simple languages, I started to help them to learn about their body parts, for example: eyes, nose, etc. At the same time their sex organs. I would ask questions to help them recognize the difference between male and female bodies. There are quite a lot of illustrated books available for babies and younger children to help them to learn about human body parts.
Before that, where did you say babies come from?
I would tell them before they even asked about it. Like I said, I always talked to them when they were really little, saying how much I love them, telling them what it felt like when they were still in my tummy, my expectations of them before they were born, what it was like when we first saw them at their birth. So they always know that they came from my tummy, and they have never asked any questions about that so far.
What approach did you take?
Through conversation, also via books: children’s picture books and anatomy/ biology books. One of my favorite books at home is: «훙竟(훙竟써뭐묘콘宅섣깹暠썩)» (The Human Body: An Illustrated Guide to Human Anatomy and Disease).
I originally got it for myself, and it came to be a handy reference book after having children, especially when I encounter difficulties trying to explain to them about anatomical knowledge or concepts. Pictures in the book help me relay the information to my boys. It’s a pretty heavy-duty professional book, but I don’t worry about the kids not being able to understand it. What we are explaining to them is not rocket science; it’s just a matter of fact, they’ll get it as long as you explain it to them.
But of course choosing the right material is very important, it should be basic and close to their life so they can relate and understand. The illustrations in the book that I am using are very clear and easy to read, my boys like it, and now they even flip through the book themselves. Initially I did worry some pictures in the book could be scary for them, for example the picture of skeletons, but it turned out my worries were unnecessary since the boys dealt with them just as science and knowledge.
Do you think parents should speak differently to boys and girls?
Honestly I have never given this a serious thought, probably because I have two boys. I think there should a different emphasis when talking to boys and girls, but one thing should be the same: our mentality in talking to kids about it.
What about boundaries and appropriate behavior?
Yes, we talked about it pretty seriously, and even bought a book to read together; we discussed it and practiced what we learned in the book.
When my older boy turned around 5 or 6 years old, I noticed he had problems while interacting with others physically, and didn’t know how to keep a proper safe distance. He didn’t mean to harm others, but his blunt behavior often made others uncomfortable or even offended. I realized that we needed to talk about it, but honestly I didn’t know how to start the conversation. So I went on to Amazon hoping to find a book for help, and that’s where I got An Exceptional Children’s Guide to Touch. We took time to read it and discussed it together, did role-plays together. It did make a difference. We kept doing it many times afterward in order for it really to sink in.
Have you talked to your children about safe sex and contraception?
Not yet, since they are both very young. I am hoping to help them clearly understand human bodies at around 12, and talk about sex and relationship ethics when they are 16 years old.
Have you talked to your children about consent?
Not yet, because they are too young for it.
Have you talked to your children about same-sex relationships and gender identity?
Yes, we touch upon those when the subject came up in the books we read.
At what age would you be happy with your children having a boyfriend/ girlfriend?
This is not something that I can decide or should worry about. Love will naturally happen when they meet the right girls.
This article originally appeared on pages 44-45 of beijingkids 2017 February Issue. Download the digital version here.
