“Kids, come here,” Dad shouts. “I’m writing a column for the magazine. Say something cute or funny.”
Since Dad usually tries to get us to do his work for him, this time we’re writing the column ourselves, so we can have our names at the top of the page. And get the money.
Dad writes about parenting like it’s really complicated, but we know what parenting is. You just go Nag, nag, nag…
“Clean your room! Take out the trash!”
“All right then.”
One second later…
“Clean your room! Take out the trash!”
Ugh, not again. Can’t they see I’m busy? The Playstation won’t play itself, you know.
“Well, if you don’t do as you’re told, you won’t be playing on the Playstation for a long time.”
Our friends’ parents aren’t all like this. Western parents just say “Don’t do that.”
But Chinese parents are like, “Oh little scrunchy munchykins, if you stop doing that we’ll give you your own Ferrari.”
And Korean parents are all: “You’ve got to do quantum physics and post-algebra with your private tutor till 9pm tonight, then three hours of practice on your flute.”
The other thing parents do is make you learn about culture. They always choose a day when it’s really hot and sweaty. You have to be outside on the good days to be inside, and inside on the good days to be outside.
They say, “Come on, when we get home you can go on the PlayStation.”
Then it’s “Hey, look at this beautiful Buddhist temple. Woh, a big statue! Woh, a small statue! Woh, a medium sized statue! Woh, a million tiny statues!”
You have to climb thousands and thousands of steep steps. And when you finally finish, they say:
“There’s a little museum over there. We’ll just have a quick look round.”
And by the time you get home, surprise surprise, it’s the end of the day.
“It’s too late for Playstation now. Get ready for bed.”
And school starts so early here; you have to get up before you’ve even gone to bed the night before.
We don’t really mind him writing about us because it makes us famous. When we grow up we’re going to be famous cricketers, or cyclists, or zoologists. But definitely not writers. Because this has taken absolutely ages, and we’ve got things to be getting on with. The Playstation won’t play itself, you know.
About the Writers
Noah and Joseph Killeen used to live in Birmingham, UK, but were dragged to Beijing two years ago by their crazy parents. They like sports, video games, and having friends from all over the world. They don’t like the fact that their dad’s biography still says they’re 10 and 7, when they’ve been 11 and 8 for months now.
Download the digital copy here.
