Eric and Christine Fox describe themselves as “bicoastal” – she’s from Walla Walla, Washington, and he’s from Charlotte, North Carolina. Eric is a civil engineer who came to Beijing to work on the new Universal theme park, while Christine is building a mobile analytics startup, and getting involved in the women in tech movement in China. They have a son and a daughter: Karsten Thomas (5) is busy learning at Yew Chung International School of Beijing (YCIS Beijing), and teaching his comrades about dinosaurs, while Emmylou Reya (2) loves being photographed everywhere they go!
Has your child experienced anxiety or stress as a result of school?
Yes. There was an overwhelming amount of changes occurring in a short amount of time, and none of us were truly prepared for the international move. When we relocated to Beijing, Karsten was still in ECE (early childhood education). The structure is similar to the daycare he was attending back in the states. He started Year 1 this August, and that is when the worst of his anxiety came to fruition. He had higher expectations as a newly minted member of primary school, and our whole family was a bustle of excitement and nerves. The worst of his anxiety came out on his daily bus route to and from school.
How did you find out how they were feeling? Did they tell you, or did you notice something and ask?
Simply put, he got in trouble. During the first week and a half, Karsten was behaving very poorly at home – he was acting out, crying a lot, and refusing to engage in play with me or his little sister. It was completely unlike him. His school keeps a daily diary for the students and teachers to communicate. I knew Karsten disliked the school bus, but I really couldn’t pin down why. This anxiety was translating across all facets of his day. He claimed he didn’t like school anymore, and didn’t want to go. The lightbulb went off though when I received a note from his teacher. “Karsten has been misbehaving on the bus and not listening to the bus ayi.” Well, I thought… how can he listen to her? He knows nearly no Mandarin, and the ayi knows no English. I sat down with Karsten and asked him why he wasn’t listening, and he simply said he couldn’t understand her and it frustrated him.
How did you feel, and what was your immediate response?
To be honest, my first reaction was anger and defense of my child. “We go to an international school,” I thought. “Why should my child be blamed for this behavior blah blah blah…” I started to write a response to the teacher in Karsten’s daily diary. As I wrote, my husband and I talked about how we can help our son adjust. My mood softened a bit and I changed my tune mid-paragraph as I wrote my thoughts out. We don’t speak Mandarin at home (just English, German, and French), but we are living in China. We, as parents, need to set an example for the children to adopt the culture around them.
Did you make any dietary or lifestyle changes?
We actually have! Our son loves sugar, and would only eat chocolate if it was up to him. We started incorporating protein at breakfast, and it helps stabilize his blood sugar for the rest of the day. We also hid the chocolate and told him simply that we had run out.
Did you speak to the school about the issue?
Yes – that was my first inclination. The issue is school related, therefore the school needs to know! If behavioral issues arise, it’s possible there is underlying anxiety driving those issues. Because our son is very young and still finds it difficult to convey his feelings, those feelings will manifest in different ways. It’s important to know what’s going on in their day to day school life. Open communication with their teachers is crucial.
What else did you do to help?
I’ve gotten more involved with his school. I’ve met his teachers, the school staff, the parent’s organization – and Karsten just loves it! It’s important to see Mom adopting the new school year bravely and with gusto, as it helps set an example for him – plus, we’re all having a blast doing it!
What was the outcome?
This is my favorite part of this experience! After my note to the school, YCIS Beijing took action. They assigned a wonderful lady from the learning center to help Karsten reduce some of his bus anxiety and language barrier anxiety. He is a different child. He asks all the time if he can bring his helper over to the house for dinner! Karsten talks about the importance of rules and why we follow them, and has started picking up on Chinese phrases. Altogether, the actions of YCIS Beijing have truly made the biggest difference in Karsten’s anxiety.
What advice would you give to any parent or student experiencing a similar issue?
Talk to the school, talk to your child, and make an action plan. If I had reacted with my immediate response, we may have not resolved anything. If I hadn’t spoken up to the school, Karsten may have not received the support he did. Obviously, if you have an older child it’s easier to talk with them through these kind of things – but that doesn’t make the cause or solution any easier. Create a support team for your child. Give them mentors, and set an example yourself. I also recommend incorporating holistic remedies in to your daily routine. Stress can culminate at school, but removing all physiological stressors can do wonders for the whole family!
Liu Gang is a born-and-bred Beijinger, who runs his own printing company. His wife Tan Jing is a full-time mom, who also does some part-time work as an accountant. Their son Liu Hanlun, known as Manman, is 12 years old and is a Grade 7 student at Beijing No.13 Middle School.
Has your child experienced anxiety or stress as a result of school work or exams?
I do not feel that he has academic pressure. He studies and plays whenever he should. But my wife and I, like other parents, are pretty anxious because every child is “running ahead” and many of them are excellent.
This September, Manman just entered the first grade of an excellent middle school in Xicheng District. His academic work became busier. When he was in primary school, his major courses were Chinese, math and English. Now he has history, geography, biology, physics, and politics besides these three. And his homework has increased.
Although Manman studied at a public school before, our plan as a family has always been to send our child abroad for high school, and we have been preparing for it. Our son has been learning English in professional institutions since the third grade of primary school. This year, he has finished the intermediate level of SSAT (Secondary School Admissions Test), and is now in the TOEFL (Test of English as a Foreign Language) class for basic level. In recent winter and summer vacations, we have signed him up for summer camp in North America to familiarize him with and adapt to the local environment.
Now, besides finishing his school work, he also needs to study TOEFL and memorize English words. He can’t finish all his tasks until 11 or 12 o’clock at night.
How did you find out how they were feeling? Did they tell you, or did you notice something and ask?
To be honest, I only knew he was stressed because of this interview. Yesterday, I asked him if he felt academic pressure. He said, “Of course I do. Mom and the teachers urge on me every day. And you do too.”
How did you feel, and what was your immediate response?
I was a bit surprised when my son said he had academic pressure. Because according to what I have seen, he is usually very happy, and sometimes also very naughty. I completely did not feel he had any pressure. Every time I asked him, “Is there much homework?” He said, “It’s okay. Not so much.” I always thought he was relaxed when studying.
However, I think pressure is not necessarily a bad thing. Without pressure there is no motivation. The middle school that he now attends attaches much importance to the details of study attitude and study method. With his own efforts, I believe he can certainly do better.
Did you make any dietary or lifestyle changes?
Generally, children are under great pressure before exams. During this period, I will pay attention to his diet and let him go to bed early, because usually he finishes his homework by 11 to 12 o’clock. It’s already very late.
Did you speak to the school about the issue?
I have communicated with other parents around me about academic issues, which are common to all of them. Middle school students are busier than primary school students, and good school students are busier than ordinary school students. These can only make changes for themselves.
What else did you do to help?
Before a test, I will arrange for my child to do some sports, such as swimming, playing basketball, playing football, or taking a walk to let him relax.
What was the outcome?
Both Manman and I are constantly adapting to the life of middle school, and transforming the thinking pattern of primary school into that of middle school. We have made great progress in just three weeks after the start of school.
What advice would you give to any parent or student experiencing a similar issue?
We should communicate with our children and offer targeted help. For example, TOEFL reading requires an understanding of Shakespeare’s works. As a public-school student, he is not familiar with Shakespeare. So we found a teacher of the relevant course to help our son. After a period of time, he will see that he’s making progress, so he will not be so anxious.
This post appeared on the beijingkids October 2018 Mental Health issue.
Photos: Courtesy Eric and Christine Fox, Liu Gang
