I wouldn’t describe my teenage years as defiant, but I most definitely had some defiant moments. When you begin to develop a sense of “self”, autonomy and independence become vital to the building blocks of identity for young adults. As parents, trying to create the perfect balance of freedom, guidance, and restriction for our teenage sons and daughters can be rough terrain.
The battle for more autonomy in the life of a teenager can sometimes manifest itself in defiant behavior. I believe this can sometimes be one of the inevitable aspects of transitioning from teenage to adulthood. Being a teenager can be just as challenging as raising one. Oppositional behaviour from a young adult is not always an attack on the good that parents try to instill in their kids, but a natural response to what can be perceived as unnecessary overprotectiveness or control.
The conundrum of the coming-of-age phase in each of our lives is the need to be given the room to ‘find’ oneself. How much room are we giving our teenagers to develop as individuals? And perhaps not so commonly reflected upon, how much room are we giving ourselves to let go – just a little – and allow trial and error to shape the young adults in our lives?
Of course defiant behavior is not always the result of psychological growing pains; sometimes it’s plain old rebellious pushing of parental boundaries. However, all behavior derives from issues usually firmly rooted in our emotional state of mind – feelings are at the epicenter of a young person’s cognitive world, which often shapes their reaction and response to situations and people. Add to the mix a new environment and culture, and you may have a whirlwind of a ride when it comes to dealing with unpredictable behavior.
Teenagers have yet to fully develop the emotional intelligence and maturity needed to pick up the right tools to deal with common issues related to wanting more freedom and less parental control. The same can be said for teenagers that act out in a cry for help, for more validation and attention. Every situation is unique and can be hard for everyone involved. Inspired by my own teenage turmoil, research, and a little common sense, here are some simple tips to help out parents with “defiant” teens in order that you might have a happy and compliant one!
Be observant and ask questions
Quietly observe signs of aggression, drug or alcohol abuse, depression, or suicidal thoughts in your adolescent. Keep an open line of communication between you and your teenager and create space for him or her to share how they feel with you without judgment. Moving to a new city alone can be hard enough for a young person wanting so desperately to fit in, never mind a whole new country. Seek counseling as a precaution rather than a remedy if you see signs that more serious issues are forming.
Be patient
Just like in adulthood, we are more likely to be open with others who are patient. None of us are perfect and we all make mistakes. It also takes time for one to adapt to new surroundings. Don’t expect your teenage kid to immediately foster an attitude of enthusiasm and optimism for their new life in a new country and culture. They need time to find their feet, as do you.
Be encouraging and supportive
Do as much as you can to be supportive of your teenage kids’ activities. Encourage them in their creative and physical endeavors and other forms of expression. When possible be present to show your support at a game or performance. Take an interest.
Be active in seeking outside support
There are a number of forums and support-focused WeChat groups, specifically aimed at offering advice, guidance, and help for parents in Beijing. Don’t be afraid to seek outside support. A phone call, coffee, or activity that will connect your teenage son or daughter with other teenagers in the city can go a long way in preventing or curbing unwanted behavior and helping you feel supported. You can also approach school counselors and take advantage of support initiatives and programs within the infrastructure of the school your kid attends. Reach out and find out what’s on offer.
Be clear and consistent about rules
Rules are needed. Try your best to have clear rules that you consistently enforce, so that boundaries are black and white. Don’t leave room for interpretation and follow through with consequences when the rules are broken. Millennial parenting styles have been described as being in total opposition to perhaps the more traditional methods used by our parents when we were young. As parents abandon outdated notions, such as “children should be seen and not heard”, it’s easy to ‘let things slide’ or become too lenient. Rules in the home are essential to raising a child that is aware that the world will happily and indiscriminately follow through on handing out harsh lessons should they wish to challenge rules outside the home.
Be open to questions and encourage the expression of feelings
This one is key to fostering an open and loving relationship with your teenage kid. Encourage your teenager to recognize and express their feelings. Younger teenagers in particular may need more validation of their feelings and help recognizing and expressing them. Don’t feel deflated if asking someone else that you trust and know to talk with your teenager helps them to open up more. Your main concern should be that they get talking!
Answer questions and don’t forget to listen! “Because I told you so” is not an adequate answer to a question that challenges something you have asked of your teenager. Do you wish to equip your children with the necessary tools to intelligently challenge demands made of them in the outside world? Do you want to equip them with confidence so that they might articulate themselves with poise and conviction? And foster a healthy inquisitive nature? – Give them answers to their questions!
One of my pet peeves as a teenager was how easily my questions could be dismissed, often leaving me to feel that perhaps my opinions didn’t matter on a particular topic. Be inclusive and get your teenagers in on some of the decision making. Maybe they were excluded from the decision to move to a new country; make up for this by including them in on discussions pertaining to family life in Beijing.
Be loving and affectionate
Tell your teenager that you love them everyday. Yes. Everyday. You’ll be surprised how many people grow up without having heard their parents tell them they love them. Of course demonstrations of love are important and it’s great that you are providing shelter, warmth, and sustenance, but kids need more! Show and tell the people close to you that you love them. Make time for special activities together – you don’t need to spend a fortune. Eat together as a family at least once a week. Have and leave a positive impression on your “defiant” teen.
Photos: Pixabay
