If you’re a parent of a teen, there must be one question that’s always running through your brain, and that is, “why is my child so illogical?” Written from a teen’s point of view, I’m hoping to tackle precisely this question. This essay will summarize what a teen thinks versus what you might feel a teen thinks. Does this sound complicated? Well, it is! I’ve interviewed a lot of people to help me prove my theories, and they have given me a lot of similar answers, but it all comes down to two big points; what we think, versus what we do.
“Treat your teen as an adult!” This is definitely not the first time that you’ve heard this statement. But, I’m here to say that this might not always be the best idea. As a teen myself, I want to be treated with respect, I want my ideas to be heard, and I want to be taken seriously. Many people interpret these needs in their own way and assume that it means that we want to be treated as adults, but this isn’t necessarily true. But part of the journey towards becoming an adult is gaining more responsibility and trust; after all, for teens, adulthood is just around the corner.
We want to act like adults, but since our sense of maturity hasn’t fully developed, there really isn’t much that we can do about it. So, if you the parent try to treat us this way (expecting us to act beyond our age), you’re going to get disappointed by the results, and this will also likely cause us more anxiety than we are already experiencing in these developmental years.
It is also worth mentioning that in China, many people compare their children to other kids in school, and even to other geniuses they might encounter in the news or through social media. These comparisons are also a source of extreme pressure that ultimately pushes us away.
Our anxiety to act like adults is now also affecting the way we treat other people. In some ways, adults are representative of being able to problem solve and being the pinnacle of maturity. After some interviews with adults, I’ve concluded that they don’t express themselves often and even when they do, they do so in short sentences because efficiency is needed. Every word counts! That’s what also leads to some teens becoming impatient themselves. They also want to solve problems as quickly as possible, just like an adult.
We know that adults do certain things for our own good; this is another commonly used trope. But, we also want problems to be solved with high efficiency since we have so much to do in our lives but still haven’t been endowed with the necessary means of expressing ourselves. This might cause us to sometimes have an undesirable “do whatever you want” mentality, which can be taken negatively. But you have to keep in mind that we’re actually not trying to upset you, but instead trying to solve these conflicts as quickly as possible and we forget how to sound cooperative.
Just like adults, we need to be understood and tolerated. If parents, at this point in time, keep on labeling teens as “illogical,” “troubling,” or “emotional,” there’s going to be a higher chance of your teenager not wanting to communicate with you at all, or even worse always asking for your help to solve their problems instead of acting independently.
There is no one specific group that is impervious to life’s pressures, just like everyone can get sick. We want to stop talking and start working, and that’s why we sometimes end up communicating with a bad tone. Sometimes parents just need to let go a bit and let us do our own thing and be confident that we can do it, even if we stumble along the way. It could be a win-win situation for future communication between the ages.
Finding the balance between autonomy and overparenting is also very important. Some teens like me, need to be treated with respect and freedom. Adults get to decide for themselves, so we should also be able to gradually do the same. International schools do an excellent job of letting us choose our electives, and we appreciate it. Parents should also be able to let us exercise choice. Of course, there should be boundaries in what we can and cannot do, but inside that box, there should be enough freedom to let us breathe and grow. Not enough freedom makes us feel pressured, and most importantly, when we get used to these styles of over-parenting, we might lose the ability to make decisions altogether.
A friend of mine in Grade 7 has her schedule filled up with all sorts of classes. So much so that she has zero opportunities to be social. She has never traveled abroad. The only place she’s been to on vacation is Xi’an. I am shocked by her lack of social experiences, and whenever she needs to choose her electives and should have the freedom to make these choices, her mom is always involved. This is preventing her from maturing and being able to discover more about herself by developing her ability to make decisions.
Parents need to let us make decisions, not because it makes us happy, but more importantly, it’s an opportunity for us to develop. One day we will leave, and be on our own. We might be at the top of our fields, making billions of bucks per year, but if we can’t decide for ourselves and have no hobbies, are we just going to spend the rest of our lives lying to ourselves in that coveted corner office? Where should we spend our weekends and holidays? What should we do when we get old? Is there anything more important than being able to organize our own time and being able to live life the way we want?
It’s essential for us to learn how to stand up for ourselves and do what we want, but parents, please also know that we’re still kids, that we still need your help in teaching us how to deal with relationships between people and how to solve problems. Please guide us, and not just plan for us. We need a road map for this journey, and if we don’t get lost a few times, we can’t learn anything. These teenage years are a time for us to start reaching for our own life, and for you to slowly let us into the driver’s seat.
This article appeared in the beijingkids July-August 2019 Teen Takeover issue
Photo: Adobe Stock
