It’s the 21st Century. This means so many things to so many people. Our world has become increasingly global, and with that comes many challenges and opportunities. While the issues around global trade are hot in the news right now, there is also significant impact from the trade and sharing of ideas, values, and culture. These are the softer, more personal impacts of global culture. With the prevalence of the #metoo movement in the US, along with seemingly endless revelations of sexual harassment and abuse, men’s role in the public eye is changing. Behaviors that may have been considered acceptable even ten years ago are no longer brushed off today. Men everywhere are reconsidering their choices and responses to women’s concerns, not only wanting to ensure their own political or business interests, but to maintain credibility and respect within their social circles. This has required some shifts in what we, as a society, deem acceptable male behavior. While this may be an example on the extreme end of things, it’s a good indication of how society’s views on men’s roles are changing.
The #metoo movement can be seen to ask men to be more sensitive, more careful, and more responsive to the needs of women. Similarly, parenting roles are changing. As women take on more powerful roles in business and politics, men are asked to step up and be more involved in the care of their children. This includes basic things such as home care, help with school and extra curricular activities, but also increasingly points to the need for healthy emotional responsiveness to children and their ever–changing needs. While the tasks of daily living may be challenging enough for many men to add to their already busy work lives, the call for emotional intelligence is even more harrowing.
Traditionally, men have had much different roles as parents. Living by the “Male Code” has previously been an unspoken expectation. Men were expected to be strong providers, to be emotionally stoic and to secure for themselves positions of power and dominance. Men who displayed strong or tender emotions were discouraged and seen as weak, or even defective members of society. Now we ask them to behave in these ways. Author and family counselor Michael Gurian wrote a stunningly revelatory book in 2006, The Wonder of Boys, in which he explored the specific characteristics of boys and the shocking realities that many boys face growing up.
First, he argues that boys are physiologically different from girls and that we must safeguard against “enmeshing male development with a female culture in transition”. Males are hard–wired for certain behaviors, he asserts. For instance, their higher levels of testosterone naturally lead boys to be more physically assertive, competitive, and risk–taking. He also points to differences in brain development between boys and girls. These differences impact the needs of boys and how they learn best. For instance, boys seem to benefit from spatial orientation, or seeing objects moving through space. They also need more space to move in than girls and seem to intrinsically need more deep-muscle contact and stimulation than girls. And boys are motivated by having a mission to complete, not just expectations of pro-social or responsiveness.
Gurian also presents some of the gender–specific realities that boys face, and these facts may be surprising. Boys are more likely than girls to be victims of physical and sexual abuse. They have a much higher rate of ADHD diagnosis. They are more likely to commit acts of violence, to become socially or religiously radicalized, and to have problems with addiction. Clearly, in our push to advance the rights and freedoms of girls, Gurian asserts, we have forgotten to care for our boys and their specific needs. I present this context on the reality of boys to highlight the tremendous challenge for boys as they become men and take on new roles of fatherhood. Asking men to take on these roles must go hand in hand with an understanding of their needs from the beginning. Yes, we need to raise boys who are cared for according to their specific needs. We also need to support men in ways that are specific to their needs, with an awareness of what the reality of growing up male has been.
With all this in mind, let’s look at what we are asking of fathers today. Fathers are being asked to take on increasing roles in the care and upbringing of their children, including emotional availability. They are being asked to share vulnerability with their partners and children. They are tasked with not just giving advice and imparting wisdom, but with being active and good listeners, to demonstrate empathy, to show physical affection, and to let go of their traditional role of control. It’s a daunting list. And the list is actually fraught with challenges that bump up against elements of the “Male Code” that many of our fathers grew up with as children themselves. Let’s take a look at some of these requests and the challenges that come along with them.
Emotional Availability and Vulnerability
Being in close quarters with children means bearing witness to their emotions, which can often be quite intense. As many boys were raised with the unfortunate belief that showing and expressing emotions was off-limits, they may feel quite uncomfortable when faced with the emotions of their own children. Some mental health professionals refer to this situation as “hearing the shark music”, remember the movie Jaws? Okay, I think I just gave away my age. I remember it. That scary music that plays when you know the shark is about to appear and attack in Jaws is what we are talking about here. Perhaps everything is going fine. You are eating a snack with your kids. Everyone is happy. Then suddenly, an argument breaks out and there is crying, yelling – big emotions. From some unseen place, that building sound of panic starts to flood in. Mom is gone…what to do? Someone has to take action, and that someone is you!
Using the metaphor of shark music can be quite helpful in understanding the panic feelings of strong emotions in children. It actually points to a physiological process known as stress response. Basically, when we feel unsafe or under attack, our brain reacts by releasing stress hormones into the bloodstream. Cortisol, testosterone and other hormones are released. The gut shuts down, giving an uneasy feeling in the stomach. Our heart rate goes up, palms start to sweat. We are literally getting ready to fight off a shark or run for our lives. And there is no difference in humans, physiologically, between a real shark and a perceived shark (big emotions). With this backdrop in mind, it may be unsurprising that some men simply cannot find a way to deal with the emotions at hand.
So, what’s the solution?
Experts in childhood mental health suggest that we learn to hear the shark music before it reaches a crescendo. If we know the shark music is coming, we can do things to calm ourselves and our children. The first part, however, is hearing the shark music. If it’s already gotten pretty intense, it’s probably a good idea not to talk about the situation right now. Brains in stress response can’t think logically as the prefrontal cortex (problem–solving region) shuts down in deference to survival mode. So this is a great time to actually follow that flow. Going outside for some exercise is a great option. Those hormones need to be worked out, and there is no better way than by moving. A lot. Even jumping jacks are a great immediate solution. Getting into a safe space is another good strategy. It might be an opportune moment to jump back into bed and read a book to calm everyone (including dad) down. The issue can be resolved later, when everyone is calm. And drinking water. Drinking water is a terrific way to reset emotions and help the elimination of the stress hormones. Although it might seem strange at first, getting into the habit of recognizing the shark music and following the body’s response is a great strategy to dealing with strong emotions. Later on, you can pick through the emotions, talk out the problem and be sane about it.
Emotional availability is not the only skill here. Fathers need to learn that it’s okay to be vulnerable. This means that it’s actually healthy and helpful for fathers to show their own emotions to their children and to model how to deal with those emotions in a way that moves things forward. It’s just probably a good idea to wait until the shark music passes.
Active Listening
Part of the “Male Code” includes the image of the wise and knowing father, imparting their wisdom and guidance to the young. While this is an important role, it needs to include active listening. Rather than the all-knowing dad–in–residence, fathers can try to emulate the role of the noble king. (Remember the discussion of boys needing a mission? It goes for dads too. So here it is.) The noble king shares his wisdom and experience when he has it, but he is also a good listener and knows when simply hearing the children out is the only necessary action. The noble king does not need to have the answers to every problem. He needs to know how to hear the problem and give empathy, thus instilling in his children the sense that he truly understands the struggles they are facing.
Physical Affection
Another challenge facing fathers today could be the need their children have for physical touch and soothing. It may be an old cultural norm that fathers who show ample physical affection are weak or lack masculinity, it’s something that children very much need. In fact, fatherly affection can prevent children from having trouble with aggression and impulse control. Boys especially need hugs, high fives and other nurturing from fathers, as they historically have had difficulty learning to self-soothe.
Letting Go
Parents who want to have lasting healthy relationships with their children need to cultivate the active skill of releasing control. Another keystone in the “Male Code”, letting go of control can be challenging for fathers. However, children grow up and become adults, and that is when it may become abundantly apparent that we truly do not control them. Letting go of control and allowing children to step into their identity with support is an essential part of setting up a close and loving relationship into adulthood.
Honor the Mother
Women have traditionally carried the major burden of raising children and this still rings true today. No matter the circumstances, it’s important for fathers to recognize the deep contributions and efforts that mothers make to their children’s upbringing. It’s vital that children see their mothers as the heros they are, and that their fathers also value and recognize the contributions of their female counterparts. This is truly an act worthy of the noble king.
As we think about the changing roles of men and society in general, having a clear road–map about where we want to get to is important. But these changes can’t happen overnight. Many fathers have very real patterns and childhood experiences that are challenging to break through, especially if they were not given the emotional tools by their own fathers. It calls us to be patient – as mothers who support fathers, and for fathers themselves. Even when we try to change patterns, there are a lot of bumps along the way as past experiences and learned behaviors pop up. This has to be okay to move things forward for us all. Together we can begin to shed the old image of the father in–line with the “Male Code”, and instead begin to see the new image of the noble king emerge.
This article appeared in the beijingkids November 2019 Beijing Baba issue
