“I’m glad my baby died” Amanda* tells me without any guilt.
For some of us who’ve been trying for a baby, the idea of being thankful for a miscarriage is difficult to understand, but for others, it was a gift. Amanda (not her real name) has been a friend of mine for years. We celebrated her engagement, her wedding, and, sticking true to her introverted personality, we didn’t talk much about her divorce less than a year later.
She was already pregnant when she found out her husband was having an affair. Amanda miscarried at 10 weeks.
Would you have stayed with him knowing he’s cheating?
Honestly, if it wasn’t for the miscarriage I can’t say for sure that I’d leave him. I’m from a traditional Chinese family. We stay together for the kids.
Are you ok?
I was a mess for weeks after. Not physically. Physically I was fine. Emotionally I was a wreck. I don’t know why, but I’m convinced I would have had a daughter. The days after all I couldn’t leave my room and I would randomly burst into tears at the strangest triggers. Baby product commercials, cute clothes on TaoBao. I wasn’t in any shape to be around people.
How did you deal with it?
I knew I had to grieve. It wasn’t healthy to bury those feelings. Even though I was dealing with a messy relationship, I knew I had to take the time to make myself OK first, so I wrote to my daughter. I wrote her letters and told her about the excitement I had when I found out I was pregnant, all the plans I had for her, and I wrote about her father’s affair. I was honest. There’s no point sugarcoating anything. I told my daughter that I’m glad she didn’t come into the world. She would have come into a dysfunctional family to parents who didn’t love each other. I told her that I wasn’t ready to be her mom and that I hope in the future when I’m in a loving relationship, that she’ll give me a second chance to be her mom.
What did you do with the letters?
I didn’t show them to anyone. After a few weeks, I felt better. It was good to get it off my chest. I burned the letters.
Are you glad that you miscarried?
I am. When I found out my husband was having an affair I wanted an abortion but before I decided, my daughter saved me the guilt I would have had to live with. My other option would have been to raise a child in a loveless marriage filled with arguments. It’s not good.
What’s next for you?
I’m divorced but I’m not in a rush to jump into another relationship. I was naive with the last guy, I won’t be with the next. Right now I’m just going to focus on work, travel, and enjoy my life.
Photos: pixabay
