Is COVID-19 the Reason Couples Say ‘I Don’t’?

Couples the world over bemoan the health of their relationships. Many claim the lack of quality time together is the leading cause of misunderstanding and the proverbial ‘falling out of love’ with one’s partner, leading to divorce. But it would appear that too much of a good thing is also poisonous, as families in China were suddenly forced to self-quarantine, spending inordinate amounts of time together.

Reports have been circling over the last few weeks, claiming a sharp increase in filed cases for divorce by couples in China. While one of the arguments posited for this sharp increase has been that couples tend to get into heated arguments when spending too much time together, it might not be as simple as that.

We consulted Matthias Schroeder LL.M, to find out whether the current trend can simply be blamed on COVID-19, or whether there are other underlying factors exacerbated by the current crisis.

I will admit, when I think of a divorce lawyer, I tend to think of the classic American TV portrayal, a confirmed bachelor who’s been cured of the ‘delusion’ of love and is currently living for life’s excesses and the thrill of a massive win in court. Schroeder is far from this stereotype though, being a happily married man with two children – a son who’s 8, and a daughter who’s 13. The world of law isn’t as fast-paced or as flashy either according to Schroeder, with the Chinese system being especially difficult to predict.

How different is practicing law in China to practicing it in the EU?

Practicing law in China and in Germany is different, but yet the same. As a lawyer I use the case facts, the legal acts and lots of language to compare the actual facts with the text of the law and let opponents and the judges see, where and to what extent our case facts match the legal descriptions providing for the gains we want to achieve or where the claimants facts opposes his claims.

The laws in China differ in some details. However, basically they are comparable to an astonishing extent. The “handling” of the laws, the techniques of dealing with them is quite different. The handling of laws also differs between the continental European countries and the American or Anglo-Saxon countries. But those, both, follow the same overall dogmatic approach.

However, I believe that the Chinese way of handling laws by judges and Chinese lawyers demand more looseness and more sense of practicability and less dogmatic or abstract reasoning. Yet the legal texts, contracts, laws and regulations follow the European or Anglo-Saxon logic or dogmatic approach. Therefore, it is sometimes harder to predict outcomes of court decisions or to understand why our client won or lost a case.

Dealing with these complex issues and being able to explain, or help understand both sides is quite fun, and it is a pleasure working in this context and it will never be boring.

What are the leading causes prompting separations and divorces?

The one leading cause for separation and divorce is that the spouses do not like each other enough to stay together any longer. The explanation of this effect is manifold. Empirical studies have shown that there are three factors which may put enormous pressure on the relationship:

1. Money
2. Children or differences in their upbringing approaches
3. Infidelity
4. (and, all new, Quarantine)

If the above three points (there is not enough data on the fourth) are not a matter of concern, then couples may stay together for years or decades without noticing any weak spots in their relationship. Once pressure arises, weak spots become more obvious. However, those points are hardly ever the real reason for a separation. A separation is the ending of a relationship. Therefore, the reasons for its ending have to be searched within the relationship itself. As a relationship is a dynamic process operating in interactive feedback loops of well-being of different (mostly two) people, real cause of separation is that this process and its feedback loops are not handled in a way to increase the well-being.

In addition, society shapes our expected level of “well-being” as well as our expected effort needed to achieve a certain level of well-being. For more superficial approaches to separation and divorce one may revert to Google with “top ten divorce reasons”.

I did not touch the more serious topics of addictions, domestic violence, abuse or neglect.

Are many of them amicable?

It is a rare exception when someone proposes to his/her spouse to divorce and the spouse smiles and says, “What a good idea honey. I just wanted to suggest the same, darling. How well you know me, dear. Let’s get divorced this afternoon!”

Most separations have a confrontational moment.

If the spouses value reason they may be able to sort things out by themselves with or without legal advice. The vast majority of divorces in China are made amicably and without a lawyer, by couples who could not afford a lawyer.

As soon as money is involved or children, an amicable divorce in the international context is hardly found. With children this is understandable, because often spouses from different countries will live in different countries after the divorce and one person will be restricted in living together with his/her child. This is difficult to accept without a binding decision of some sort. With money, argument becomes understandable, if it is taken into account that usually the spouses never had a common understanding of the socio-economic basis of their marriage.

Standing before the question of divorce already indicates that they did not build upon a joint plan for the future, that they have no understanding of the fears and needs of the spouse, but they have been living in parallel worlds, “sleeping in the same bed but having different dreams”. Not really taking part in the other’s life makes it difficult to give off something, no matter if that money is earned by hard labor or retrieved by luck, that strike only a few times in life. Giving off part of the money will then feel like giving off part of one’s life and not receiving all of it feels like missing one’s life opportunities and thus the third party needs to provide a firm decision. Where the law is clear and room for “sneaking, hiding, misaligning” is small there will be less fighting.

As a lawyer I rarely deal with easy, amicable divorces. If you are one of the lucky cases, come by, leave money on the table and get divorced and I will be happy to have a nice chat.

During my practice in China I have experienced that some Chinese spouses tend to rely more on external value judgments instead of their own judgment when working out an amicable solution, because they are shy to apply their own sense of fairness or to find a definition of fairness on their own. In these cases, we advise our clients that they should negotiate not with the spouse, but only with the lawyer of the spouse to save time and breath.

Photos: Pixabay