Dads are sometimes overlooked in the parenting discussion, particularly in China, when most of the caretaking responsibilities of young children fall on mothers and other women in the family. Yet when it comes to parenting, Ben Bowering, who is originally from New Zealand, is all about making sure his two daughters (aged nine and four) each develop their own independent personality and explore who they want to be.
We talked to Ben about his parenting style, how he addresses familial conflicts, and how he spends his time with his children.
Ben, his wife Maggie, and their two daughters at their wedding.
What are your expectations for your children? What kind of person do they hope to be in the future?
Firstly, I hope they individually develop their own personalities. I, along with my wife Maggie prioritize this greatly, and since our children are quite young now, we have the opportunity to lead by example. From an early age, we start by allowing the children to pursue activities that they think they can do well in, before letting them take on responsibilities and activities that would enable them to take care of others.
Secondly, we hope that they can spend a good amount of time understanding themselves. I hope that as they grow, they can explore their passions and their purpose in this world, and not become people they do not want to be. This process of exploration can be difficult at times, but if it’s done, the children will find it very easy to find what they really like and stick to it.
Finally, I hope they make friends who have a high emotional quotient (EQ). I think most people will have similar intelligence quotients (IQs) across the board, but people with high EQs are rarities and they are often those who are never alone. I’ve come to realize that having a high EQ doesn’t mean that you have to begrudgingly cater to the needs of others. Rather, it allows you to make true friends who don’t need to rely on you to excel and succeed. Associating with friends who have high EQs will also help later on in life. If they also have children, their relationship with their children will be more harmonious. After all, interpersonal relationships play a very important role in people’s moods and emotions.
On a 5-point scale, with 1 being very laid-back and relaxed, and 5 being very strict, how would you rate the parenting methods you use in your family? Are you satisfied with this parenting style?
I would rate our family at a 3, somewhere between the two extremes. Our family is a fusion of Chinese and Western values, especially when it comes to learning habits. We combine the easy-going nature of life that I experienced growing up in New Zealand and the strict Chinese education system that Maggie has been through. When I was a kid growing up in New Zealand, we would always be outdoors. I would play outside after school until the streetlights went out. This is obviously different from how things are done here in China. Kids here are very competitive when it comes to academics, and traditionally, kids are supposed to continue reading and studying once they get back home from school.
You could describe the parenting methods Maggie and I have for our family to be slightly free-range. We do set some house rules and everyone abides by them, but it’s a relaxed environment overall. For example, when the children are doing their homework, Maggie and I won’t be sitting next to them and physically observe whether they’re actually being productive or not. Staring at them as they complete a worksheet won’t help them at all in the long run, and will instead annoy them. They might even begin to view the homework they get in subjects they like as mundane chores rather than as fun activities.
At present, our two children are still in the lower grades of elementary school and have not yet reached puberty. So strictly speaking, we are all very satisfied with the current dynamic. But there is no guarantee that in the future, the children will remain as girls, and my wife and I will be mentally prepared as they mature and become adolescents. Whether we can smoothly and amicably spend the time our kids are in puberty is still unknown to us, but I believe our words and deeds are now paving the way for a loving parent-child relationship.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, did you or your family members get to have more time with the children? How do you usually spend your family time?
At the beginning of the pandemic, our whole family was on vacation in Japan. I returned to Shanghai in early February. I went back to work in late March. My wife worked from home then, and the children pursued online learning from home as well. My wife has been working very hard these past months, having to work, do housework, and assist the kids as they take online classes all at the same time. It can get stressful at times, so whenever I go home, I make sure to cook the meals.
On the weekends, we now go to a nearby park for a picnic. If we were going to a park in New Zealand, we would put up tents for the night, but in parks here in China, the small pavilions by themselves make very good tents! Off late, the four of us have also been learning how to play mah-jong (麻将, májiànɡ). Playing this traditional Chinese board game is now the new pastime of the family. I read somewhere that having kids play mah-jong can enhance their observation skills and power of reasoning. But to be honest, we’re just treating it as a fun activity that gets the whole family involved.
Ben with his two daughters and their family dog.
What activities do you enjoy doing with your children?
There’s a lot of activities that I love doing with the children. We watch reality shows and TV series after dinner. Everyone in the family looks forward to watching TV after dinner because it’s an opportunity to relax and chat after a long day working and studying.
We all like to watch cooking reality TV shows. The children get a lot of inspiration from watching MasterChef Junior. Even though what they replicate from the show is quite simple, I can see their passions and interest in good. However, the activity I like doing most with my family is to travel together. I enjoy the process of making travel plans and arranging the activities to do each day while we’re on tour. Last year, the four returned to New Zealand so that my wife and I could get married. Family and friends from all over came for the event. Everyone had a blast. I believe that that New Zealand trip left lasting memories on our two girls. After all, they had the opportunity to attend the wedding of their parents, which was very special.
If a disagreement arises between you and your wife on your child’s education, how do you usually address it?
My wife and I are quite consistent with our views and perspectives, especially on education. Because the children and she spend a lot of time together, she understands what the children need and what difficulties they are facing. She does discuss these things with me at the end of the day once the kids go to bed. If it’s something wonderful and interesting the kids are pursuing, or if they’re making some progress in a task or activity, she will share it with me in front of the kids. This is important, as the children themselves see that their parents are acknowledging their achievements. To be honest with you, I have actually missed many wonderful moments of the kids growing up due to work. But, having these discussions with my wife has been fantastic, and it allows me to stay involved.
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This article is an adapted translation of an article that was originally published on our sister site, jingkids.
Images: jingkids Shanghai
