The One-Gender-Children Parent Club

Yes! I have two girls and I could not be prouder. And no, I will not be trying again until I have a boy. Get over it!

Gender Expectations:

When it comes to people’s expectations, there’s no limit to what they will want, expect, or outright demand from you. Rating highly on that demand list – high up there with expecting you to be married by a certain age – is the topic of procreation.

Before you have a child, people will enquire when you are having a baby – any gender baby – as long as it’s a baby.

Once you score on that, they expect a second baby pronto (preferably – for them – a gender different from the one you have already).

When you do have a second or third child and they are all the same gender, the endless questions and pitying remarks begin.

I have six sisters, most of whom have at least two daughters. My husband has one sister, who has two daughters herself. Needless to say, we have a very good relationship with estrogen and my husband has always wanted two daughters.

Crack the shell of gender and it’s all a delicate construct anyway.

Daughter number one arrived nine years ago and we were delighted. For our second pregnancy, I remember going to Beijing United Family Hospital for our scan. We’d been told that finding out the sex of a baby before birth in China was not allowed. During a casual conversation, the good doctor asked us (looking more to my husband) what we hoped for this time. Knowing we already had a girl, she expected my husband to say, “We’d like a boy this time,” so was shocked when he said, “I hope it’s another girl”.

A few weeks later back in Europe, we found out we were having another girl, much to the delight of hubby, our big girl, and naturally me.

Then came the comments…

Here are the “best” ones I have been asked so far:

• Poor husband, he’s outnumbered. He must be disappointed (Yes, he is outnumbered and no, he’s not disappointed, he loves it).
• Surely you are going to try again and hopefully, it will be a boy (Ehm, no thanks).
• Were you trying for a boy this time ’round? (Not that it’s your business but no, we were just trying for a child).
• Are you sad that you don’t have a son? (No, I am not)
• You know girls get married and have kids with different last names (A name can be hyphenated. It’s just a name. Doesn’t change her DNA).
• Your poor husband won’t get to play football or do “boy” things with a son. (My husband hates football with a passion. He enjoys playing tennis and cycling with our daughters and they are talking about going fishing. Pretty cool things both boys and girls can enjoy).

I know why some of these questions are asked. Many cultures view having sons as the be-all and end-all. Sons “carry” the family name further. But to me, it’s all staggeringly misogynistic.

I know that for many parents, it is an unquenchable longing they can’t help but feel. I have a friend who has five wonderful sons but is so desperate for a daughter. She loves her boys unconditionally of course, but there’s that gap she wants to be filled with pink booties and hair bows.

Other women go so far as gender selecting the babies through IVF (Yes, I am judging you! That is a bit vain). You would think that the priority would be a healthy baby first. After all, there are millions of couples who are sadly struggling to have even one child.

I, for sure, am not sitting around crying that I can’t buy boy stuff. Granted, I once had a quick dash of imagination about raising a boy: his voice breaking, his beard growing, him bringing a girl (or boy) home… but I have many nephews that I love with all my heart. To me, they are my boys.

My womb is done and dusted with “nine-month tenants” and I am not reincarnating myself so that I can experience a gender combo family. I am so thankful for my girls. They are evidence of a higher power that decides natural gender selection, so they are perfect for me!

What’s between their legs is irrelevant!

** This also happens to boys-only mothers.

Pearl Kasujja-Van de Velde is a dual Ugandan/Belgian national, a mother to two amazing girls, a wife, and a storyteller. To get in touch, visit her website at www.pearlkasujja.com.

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