I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “birds of a feather flock together” at some point in your life. It’s one of those old sayings that describe how people naturally gravitate to others with similar interests and hobbies. But as a parent, what do you do when you notice your child flocking with a group of less than reputable friends? In other words, what do you do when your child starts to associate with kids whom you deem to be “bad influences”.
On one hand, you want your child to discover their own path in life, explore the world around them, make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. But at the same time, it’s in our nature to want to protect our babies and keep them from doing things they’ll regret.
Who Are These “Bad Influences”?
Spotting a child who can be a potentially bad influence on your kid depends a lot on what age range they’re in. For teens, it can be as simple as singling out the one friend who vapes if your kid suddenly decides to buy a vape. For younger kids, it’s a bit trickier. Kids aren’t inherently bad but they absorb the behavior that’s exposed to them on a regular basis. If your child’s new friend bullies others, aggressively acts out, or steals toys, then this behavior that they learned elsewhere might get picked up by your child.
If you notice an abrupt change in the behavior of your young child, it could be worth looking into where they learned it from. For a long time, my little nephew was extremely well-behaved when it came to toys. If he saw a toy that he wanted in a store, he would tell you that he liked it, but also solemnly inform you that good kids only accept toys if they’re given to them and that if grownups don’t want to buy them, then that’s also ok. To test if this was simply his way of guilt-tripping me, I first purposely refused to buy him a toy, and true to his word, we walked out of the store with no fuss. But, all of that changed without warning one day. He pointed out a toy he wanted, I said no, and instead of walking away like before, he screamed, sat down on the ground, and cried right there in the middle of the store. Skip to a few hours later at home, after ‘toygate’ was over, I asked him what happened and why he suddenly decided to behave in a way that he used to think was only for ‘bad kids’. Sure enough, he told me that he learned it from a boy at school, who had told him that if he wanted something and his parents refused, he should throw a tantrum in public so they would become embarrassed and buy the toy just to make it stop. Well, I was sorry to break it to my cute little nephew, but in my family, the grownups don’t fall victim to emotional blackmail so easily. “Do you think auntie felt embarrassed in the store?” I asked him, and to my surprise, he said no. “Did you feel embarrassed when you didn’t get your toy even after your tantrum?”, I asked. “A little, because you took a video and laughed at me.” he said.
Alright, so maybe laughing at a seven-year-old’s first attempt at emotional blackmail isn’t great parenting, but I’m just the aunt, so I get to call out his bratty behavior for what it is. But the ‘toygate’ incident taught him one thing: my nephew will probably think twice before listening to his new friend’s terrible grown-up manipulation advice.
How Do We Get Rid of These “Bad Influences”?
I wish that ridding the bad influences from your child’s life was as simple as telling them they can’t be friends anymore. But no matter what age your child is, telling them not to be friends with another kid “because you said so” isn’t a great approach. By doing this, you are forcing them to choose and have also made their friend a kind of forbidden fruit that they want even more. I’ve always been one to treat children like they are young adults and as with any of my adult friends, disagreements on any topic deserve some explanation. After all, you’d never tell your best girl friend that she should break up with her new boyfriend just because you said so, would you? According to Kristin Wilson, National Director of Clinical Outreach at Newport Academy, a rehab center for teens with high-risk behavior, “teenagers can be very defensive of their friends, and you don’t want to engage in a power struggle. In other words, by criticizing, you’re only going to make the relationship stronger. Instead, make clear statements about your observations of how their friends are acting. For example, “I don’t like the way she talks back to adults.” Next, review your expectations about your own child’s behavior and let them know that you will hold them accountable for their actions, regardless of their friends’ behavior.”
For younger kids who are doing playdates, parents have much more say in who they can be friends with. As they get older, trust that you’ve raised your child to know the difference between right and wrong and trust that they’ll make the right judgment. Set a hard limit in your household for the lines that should never be crossed. Even when at times they might want to experiment with the wrong choices, trust that they know the difference, and give them strategies to get out of bad situations. It could be something as simple as telling your child that they can always use “sorry, my mom said I can’t go” to get out of attending parties they don’t want to go to.
Remember That You’re Not the Only Type of Bird Out There
In a melting pot of a city like Beijing, there are families from all around the world, mixed families, and blended families. It’s worth reminding yourself that different cultures have beliefs and habits that they pass down to their children, and what you may consider poor behavior in a child may actually come down to cultural differences. Not everyone will think the way you and your family do nor will they agree with you on the way you parent. Take the Chinese culture for example. There’s a long-standing tradition of respecting your elders and taking care of them when they get old. Having your parents live with you when they’re old is a cultural norm here. But it’s not the same in other cultures. In Japan, for instance, elderly people tend to re-enter the workforce after they reach retirement age and continue to live on their own. It doesn’t mean that the Japanese don’t respect their elders, it’s just cultural differences and while it’s not necessary for your child to follow another’s culture and abandon their own, there’s no harm in learning about the world before they make up their own mind, and find their own flock.
KEEP READING: Is It Ever Ok to Discipline Someone Else’s Child?
Images: Unsplash
This article appeared in the beijingkids 2020 September issue
