Living in Beijing while in a mixed cultural relationship has its challenges at times. What might be completely normal to your partner can be odd and strange to you. In the past few months, I’ve come across a whole different set of cultural difference that has driven me to the brink of insanity at times – the “aunties”.
First off, let me explain what an “auntie” is. Ayi isn’t just a word you call your housekeeper. It’s basically a generic term for an older woman and it means auntie. You don’t need to be related to them to call them aunties. Basically, any older Chinese woman is an auntie and for some reason, many of them will feel entitled to dish out life advice and criticism like it’s their full-time job, especially when it comes to your pregnancy and how you plan on raising your baby.
I’m Chinese-American and critical aunties aren’t even a new concept to me. I’ve just never experienced it to this extent until recently.
When it comes to pregnancy, there are a ton of local customs that the older generation accepted as norms and some will insist that they get passed down. Never mind that the last time they were pregnant was over 40 years ago and maybe, just maybe, things have changed a tad bit since then.
When I first started getting unsolicited auntie advice I’d still take the time to explain why I’d be doing things differently. But after eight months, I’ve resorted to just nodding along. In one ear and out the other as they say.
The Yuezi and Yuesao
Yuezi (月子) is the Chinese tradition of ‘sitting the month’. While medical professionals around the world all recommend new moms to take it easy right after giving birth, the old traditions include not brushing your teeth for a month, not showering or washing your hair for a month, not eating anything that’s heavily seasoned, not going outside the entire time, and following a very specific menu that’s supposed to help you recover.
A yuesao (月嫂) is a nanny whose sole purpose is to help take care of the new mom and baby during the first month. I’m not sure if this speaks to the impression of my capability as a soon-to-be mom, but when I’d tell any auntie that I had no intention of hiring a yuesao I would be met with shock and disbelief. “You can’t do it on your own” they’d tell me. Um, sorry, but yuesao is a concept that’s only become mainstream in China in recent decades. In the past, new couples would ask for the assistance of parents or (shocking…) take care of their own babies themselves. Women around the world have been taking care of their own babies for generations. Why is it that all of a sudden babies born in Beijing need their own full-time nanny to survive the first month?
Shaving It All off (Eyebrows Included)
Now that I’m getting closer to my due date, the really strange advice is coming in. One auntie was insistent that I shave my daughter’s head and eyebrows so that they grow back thicker and fuller. There’s not a single person in either mine or my husband’s side of the family who’ve got thick hair. Where do I even begin explaining the science behind inherited genetic traits to an 80-something-year-old?
It’s a Girl? Try Again
This one bothered me the most. We, as women, have not been fighting for equal rights just so that our daughters can be considered a consolation prize even before birth. The old Chinese generation tends to prefer boys. The most irritating comments from aunties (and old uncles) are having them tell me “it’s ok, girls are good too” or “it’s ok, you’re still young. You can try again, and maybe next time it’ll be a boy.”
Some older people still hold on to the idea that boys bring pride to the family because boys can pass down the family name. This gender bias isn’t just outdated, it’s dangerous. In China, this gender bias from the previous generations has led to an unbalanced sex ratio of birth and a shortage of women.
Pointy Belly Means Boy
I’ve completely given up arguing with aunties about this. Each pregnancy is different and each woman carries their baby differently. My baby bump is gigantic and “pointy” which, according to locals means that it must be a boy. Nevermind that we’ve already been told that we’re having a daughter by the ultrasound technician… I used to correct aunties when they tell me it’s a boy, but after I was met with upset looks and comments like “doctors don’t always know”, I’ve completely given up. Boy? Girl? I don’t care anymore, predict what you want…
Dirty Diapers Are the Wife’s Job
To be fair, this one hasn’t happened too often, but I have been told by more than one auntie that when the baby’s born I’m going to be super busy because it’s the mom’s job to take care of the baby. Husbands shouldn’t have to help. The first time an auntie had the audacity to say this to me, before I could gather together my limited Chinese vocabulary to argue, my husband stepped in and told her that in today’s Chinese society marriages no longer work like that and he’s looking forward to taking care of his daughter and his wife. I knew I married a good one…
Nice Tits
The last time my boobs got so much unwanted attention was probably in college during spring break in the Canary Islands on a nude beach… but now instead of drunk college boys, it’s old Beijing aunties and their super awkward “nice big boobs. You’ll make a lot of milk” comments. Thanks, glad I can check “verbally violated and made to feel like a cow by a stranger” off my bucket list…
KEEP READING: From Here to Maternity: Moms in Mixed-Culture Marriages Talk About Birth and Beyond
Images: Unsplash
