That Present is Poop! Beijing Kids React to Questionable Toys

It’s perfectly normal for our staff to send each other photos of interesting finds we discover while out and about in Beijing. It’s our job to write about the city and people within it, so it makes sense that we’re encouraged to get out of the office and be there.

But not even the holiday season could prepare us for a series of poop photos appearing in the beijingkids group chat. A visit to FAO Schwartz prompted a discussion about why kids like poop toys and if they would really play with them. So I asked the experts, and the target market: Niki Nielsen (NN), 5, and my own kids, who wish to go by Maths Pirate (MP), 6, and First Maths Mate (FMM), 4.

furReal Poopalots Big Wags Interactive Pet Toy, Connectible Leash System

So the idea behind this toy is that you can walk it, feed it treats, and then…. yes, clean up its poop. My guess is that this is a lot more appealing when you haven’t spent the better part of the last five years cleaning human poop, because the kids loved it.

NN: “I poop (laughs)”
FMM: I like Poops a lot. I really want to buy it.”

Poopsie Cutie Tooties Surprise Collectible Slime & Mystery Character

The toy here is actually even weirder than the packaging. You snip or pop the package to reveal one of 30 kinds of slime of various textures. I’ve seen firsthand how engaging slime can be with kids and often hand it to them when I need to focus on something else. I’d personally rather just get the slime, but the kids were enthralled.

NN: “Sparkly poop!”
FMM: Cutie tooties, but it’s cutie tooty poop! I like the Poops a lot better because it had poops in its name.”

This one got the funniest reaction from Niki!

VE Kids Perfume Shape Case Fart Jacobs Display Case 2 in 1 Play and Display

We had a hard time figuring out what this one is. Even when I looked it up, all I could see is that it is a perfume shaped case for one of three possible surprises. You basically get an assortment of slime in cutesy unicorn horn shaped capsules. But besides laughing, the kids all had one reaction: “Maybe it’s for farting in it!”

Silliness aside, the only offensive thing about this toy is it costs RMB 405.

Little Live Pets Gotta Go Flamingo, Interactive Plush Toy That Eats, Sings, Wiggles, Poops, and Talks

I don’t even know where to start. Why a flamingo, for one? But at least it’s recyclable: you feed it the magic goo, it poops it out, and you can watch it turn right back into food in front of your eyes! What a gift! Oh, did I mention it talks to you too?

This flamingo, however, did get the biggest smile from the math pirates.

Flushin’ Frenzy looked pretty simple to Niki — it’s a “toilet with poop” — but here is where the Maths Pirate spoke up for the first time after giving each toy a series of thumbs-ups. He took a good look at the other elements in the photo and determined that it was a game. “I think that everybody tries to catch it when it flies up,” was his decision.

I looked it up and he is right. You roll the die, plunge the toilet the number of times it shows on the die, and then whoever catches the poop when it pops up wins two tokens!

I’ve played some ridiculous games with my children, games that I had no desire to play but knew they really wanted me to. I’ve painstakingly taught them how to play UNO in quarantine, allowed them to make their own game out of Ticket to Ride, and also caught swords that popped up out of a pirate’s barrel. And I’ve subsequently collapsed on the floor in laughter and absolute delight.

I went into this blog thinking I’d just make fun of the poop toys with my kids. But they gave all the toys the thumbs up — even if they couldn’t distract them from their ice cream — and I have to admit, the last game of catching poop might remind me too much of potty training, but it… could be fun. Especially after the year we’ve had.

As Niki said, “It’s the best toys ever!”