Is it just me or are dads these days far more mellow? I remember being terrified of my uncles and my friends’ fathers – a fear I couldn’t really explain but I knew most of them took a very tough-love approach to how they parented and punished. Many of them favored corporal punishment and took a very hard line with their sons, with an aim to toughen them up for the world. That was their way of turning their sons into ‘real men’. Whereas with their daughters, they took a far more distant yet over-protective approach in a bid to protect them from the ‘scourge’ that is men. This dynamic always perplexed me, as did the casual use of derogatory terms used against less conventionally masculine boys.
In the recent past, high profile writers and public figures such as Chimamanda Ngozi Achidie have guided conversations around such parenting styles and their being rooted in toxic masculinity and sexism. In her book ‘We Should All be Feminists‘ she discusses steps for raising a more egalitarian generation. The book proved so popular that it is part of compulsory reading for both boys and girls in Sweden. But even with such conversations encouraging a more feminist world, we still need to discuss what Toxic Masculinity (TM) really means. Is this what most of our fathers and male relatives suffered from, and did it affect how they parented us? If we do a quick self-assessment, might we also find certain elements or vestiges of toxic masculinity, either in our language, our expectations of others, and how casually we accept certain things versus others? Beijingkids posed these questions and more to JayBird O’Berski, who hosted a webinar in conjunction with the Great Human Connection – Modern Man, titled ‘What Is toxic Masculinity’ on January 3.
Jaybird O’Berski
Beijingkids: What is the classic definition of toxic masculinity (TM)?
Jaybird O’Berski: According to The Good Men Project:
Toxic masculinity is a narrow and repressive description of manhood as defined by sex, status, and aggression. It’s the cultural ideal of manliness, where strength is everything while emotions are a weakness; where sex and brutality are yardsticks by which men are measured, while supposedly “feminine” traits… are the means by which your status can be taken away.
To quote Swiss psychoanalyst Carl Jung, “Fanaticism is always a sign of repressed doubt.” My definition of TM would cleave close borrow from Jung’s idea in that the more frightened we are, the more we hang on for dear life to iron-clad principles. With TM a possibly positive attribute like strength in the face of adversity becomes brutality in the presence of doubt. Status becomes a zealous quest to be elevated and protected from attack. Aggression, the ultimate low-status maneuver in animals, is respected because, like a cheap party trick, it always gets their attention.
BJK: What are some of the root causes of toxic masculinity?
JO: I can think of two:
- In The Four Agreements, Mexican self-help guru Don Miguel Ruiz uses the term “domestication” to mean the burden of all of our learned experiences. It’s the perfect term for how we acquire our beliefs. We really are as helpless and blindly led as domesticated animals. Like cows or sheep, we’re told what to think by our parents or guardians and then by our fellow children, all the way up to our lovers, partners, friends, and bosses. We are rewarded and punished from the moment we first act or speak. Every link of the chain of ideas about masculinity is handed to us, usually in the form of negative platitudes like: “Be a man” “Don’t cry” “Don’t let her tell you what to do” “You’re acting like a girl”, etc.
- Violence, inflexibility, and the need to dominate are due to a sucking void of love. As feminist author Bel Hooks puts it: “The reason that men are so very violent is that they know, deep in themselves, that they’re acting out a lie, and so they’re furious at being caught up in the lie. But they don’t know how to break it…” The lie of TM is that if you ask for love you’re weak and pathetic. To need anything is seen as feminine because a man must always be self-sufficient. Love is demonized as something only girls dream about. Boys don’t “need” love once they’re old enough to leave their mothers. They likely never got enough love from their mothers, to begin with. Instead, they absorbed poisonous levels of TM that make love a dirty word.
BJK: What is some toxic language used by those who suffer from TM that could be triggering to others?
JO: The biggest one for me is, “Don’t be a p-word.” It’s doubly insidious because, unlike words like wimp or nerd or loser, it implies that you’re being like a woman’s vagina and that it’s a terrible thing to be. To equate it with being a weakling is the epitome of toxicity.
Another one is “Boys will be boys.” This seemingly tolerant phrase is actually an enabling all-access pass for bad behavior that, in its final incarnation, excuses crimes like assault and rape. You’ll notice that no one says, “Girls will be girls.” We don’t have to. While there is certainly toxic femininity, it almost never ends in limiting the rights of others. Most toxic females “lash in” rather than brutalize others (certainly with exceptions).
BJK: What types of parenting styles are men who suffer from TM partial to?
JO: The toxic male is a bully so his style is one of disrespect for his children. Because he fears he has no love inside him to give his emphasis is on control. He needs to see his children winning, beating up other kids, making sexual conquests (boys), or practicing total abstinence (girls). There is no room for discussion of these topics or flexibility of gender identity or non-conformist ideas in his children. TM is an heirloom that passes abuse down as systemically as fraternity brothers hazing the new pledges.
BJK: How does TM negatively affect parenting/the parent-child relationship?
JO: Even when it’s masked as tough love, TM is about crushing communication while creating debilitating expectations. It’s a form of familial fascism that’s passed on from generation to generation. It effectively short-circuits the developmental bonds that make children trusting, loving, and congruent. Even with a loving, nurturing mother, a child of a TM father learns never to trust themselves to be vulnerable or follow their own impulses. They are chained by the commands of the wounded father.
BJK: What are the signs that your TM is negatively affecting your child or your relationship with your child?
JO: Your kids fear you, hate you, refuse to speak to you about their problems, get in trouble for bullying other kids, act out with destructive tendencies, hurt themselves. There are many causes for these issues but if you think you just have a “bad temper” or that your kids “don’t understand your values” you may actually be terrorizing them with your toxicity. Physical punishment, verbal abuse, emotional blackmail, and gaslighting are all tactics for winning the “respect” (i.e. love) of children who don’t tow the line of the TM parent.
BJK: How can these negative effects be counteracted?
JO: Therapy. You’re not going to be able to just reverse course after all the years that went into the making of your psyche. Someone accomplished in the delicate craft of unraveling twisted thought and behavior patterns is the best bet for reframing what it means to be a male in society.
BJK: How can partners and children of men suffering from toxic masculinity help?
JO: Only the person afflicted with TM can do the work of seeking help. Family members can be supportive and nonjudgmental as long as they bear in mind that that’s no reason to become doormats for TM bullies to walk all over once their illness is diagnosed. Adults can set boundaries but children cannot. Mothers and male partners of TM dads can protect their kids by protecting them from abusive forces.
TM is dangerous because it doesn’t acknowledge the responsibility inherent in being stronger, bigger, and, in the case of a parent, controlling the development of impressionable minds. Only the owner of these gifts, capable of being “weaponized”, can learn how to safely operate them.
KEEP READING: “Get Men Talking” Shines a Light on the Hidden Consequences of Masculinity
Photos: Unsplash
