Golden Rule: Parents should not shout at, or fight with, each other in front of their children.
Golden Fact: It happens. A lot.
Hands up if you have never disagreed with, or raised your voice to your partner in front of your kids. Well, if you haven’t, then you may be eligible for a Pope-approved Sainthood.
For the rest of us, however, let’s have a chat.
Conflicts and misunderstandings in a marriage are as commonplace as breathing. They range from: “You sit in front of that TV for hours, when are we ever going to go out?” to “Your mum wants to move in with us? But my best friend already occupyies our spare room!” and even the more serious ones like, “Who is Lauren and why is she calling you at 3am?”
What’s more, seemingly never-ending Covid-19 lockdowns and quarantines have further thrown a spanner in the marriage workshop, such that even the most chilled-out, solid, loving partner’s patience has been tested to the max. But should we be outing our marriage struggles in front of the children?
The toll that spousal fighting has on children is scientifically well-documented. Kids who grow up around parents that are constantly at each others’ throats tend to have increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. Some may be unable to concentrate in class, suffer from low self-esteem, or have a higher risk of developing a substance dependency or eating disorder. Thus, it’s no wonder that exposing children to a volatile domestic situation is officially classified as child abuse.
However, not all disagreements are created equal, and the kinds of fights that could cause these potentially damaging effects are physically aggressive fights, hostile disagreements with raised voices, or disagreements that end with spouses giving each other the “silent treatment” for days on end.
The fighting ground rules:
Naturally, the best thing would be to not fight at all. But, easier said than done, right? So, if you really have to, there are ways to minimize the effects it can have on your children;
- Generally speaking, it’s pretty easy to tell if an argument has the potential to blow up. For example, taking out a loan without the other partner’s knowledge, gambling away the children’s college fund, cheating on your partner… suffice to say, these conversations don’t usually end well. So, don’t even start them in front of your children in the first place. Save them for a time when the kids are out of sight and earshot.
- Try to be courteous and respectful to each other and avoid name-calling while in front of the kids (granted, if he or she cheated on you or gambled the college tuition, name-calling is hard to avoid).
- Instead of name-calling, try using your partner’s real name or a pet name. Addressing the other person with his or her name innately shows that you respect them.
- In the heat of the moment, it’s easy for things to escalate beyond our control. Avoid threatening or potentially harmful behavior like throwing things. Before the argument gets to this point, one partner should leave the room, and ultimately diffuse the situation.
- Don’t talk over each other. Take turns speaking so that each person has space to be heard and validated.
- Under no circumstances should one of you talk about the other with your children. You never look good trying to make someone else look bad, especially if that someone is their father or mother. Likewise, don’t ever ask or force them to chose sides.
- If children happen to hear your raised voices, make it clear to them that they are not the reasons for the issues being discussed.
Disagreements are part of any relationship and some experts suggest that it isn’t always a bad thing if kids witness the occasional conflict between their parents. Having constructive disagreements in front of developing minds could serve as teachable moments which help them learn social skills like empathy and cooperation. But only as long as these disagreements are not repetitive experiences, as long as the parents stay respectful of one another, and as long as the children can see that the disagreement is resolved in a healthy, positive way.
None of these “strategies” are ever easy and they require constant practice. No two people are inherently compatible or without fault. We all simply learn “on the job.” But once this incompatibility turns into flying pots and pans, police being called, or physical harm, it’s time to seek help from a professional – a professional counselor or divorce lawyer, that is!
KEEP READING: Post-Covid Anxiety in Children
Photos: pexels
