Daddy or Doula? Should Fathers Witness Childbirth?

Baby-making – an enjoyable (ahem!) activity between a consenting adult man and woman. 

Childbirth – the bit that’s not so enjoyable and is (naturally) left for the woman to go through. 

In times gone by, men were not expected to be in the delivery room during the birth of their children. They usually paced around the hospital corridors, nervously waiting until a doctor came to inform them of the safe arrival of their offspring. A quick cuddle with the baby and new mum and they’d be off to “wet the baby’s head.” 

Nowadays, it’s become a relatively standard practice that fathers are present, not only in the hospital but in the delivery room during the birth – so much so that when a man dares to say he won’t attend his baby’s birth, there’s likely to be a (public and private) hullabaloo. Some men, however, still go to great lengths to avoid the labour ward, finding every reason to stay away (“Honey you remember that business trip I told you about a year ago? Well, what do you know? It is today – yes, the day of the labor. Sorry”.)

But do they have valid arguments for wanting to stay away from the entire “show?” We look at the common reasons why.

• Apparently, post-natal depression in men is real, people. And it happens when men witness their partners going through labor and birth. Watching a partner giving birth, whether through the natural way or a C-section, can be so traumatic for some men it results in lack of sleep, bouts of despondency, or dejection and depression.
• Some men chose to stay outside the delivery room because, frankly, they’d be utterly useless even if they were there. Needless to say, some people faint at the sight of blood, the baby’s head crowning, or seeing an epidural being administered.
• Likewise, some women become veritable animals during labor, yelling in fury, telling their partners they are the reasons for the pain and that they will murder them “once this is all over.” In this case, a husband may find it best to stay away.
• Perhaps the most common argument for men to stay out of the delivery room is that once a man sees his partner give birth, his sexual switch is turned off and he withdraws from his wife in bed. According to the narrative, the key to eroticism is a degree of mystery and modesty (apparently explains why some people never fart in front of their partners). Women, they argue, should keep men from witnessing childbirth for the benefit of their sex lives. 

When it comes to the argument around men losing sexual interest after witnessing their partners give birth, I find it unconvincing. In general, any red-hot-blooded male’s sex drive will spring the length of the Great Wall of China, jump over Niagara Falls, and overcome any mental hurdle in search of fulfillment. In other words, a baby or enlarged vagina is not going to stand in its way.

My experience:

My partner was present for both births. It is not something we discussed beforehand – I always knew he would have it no other way. My labor journey and delivery were textbook perfect. He (plus two student doctors, my OB-GYN, and around three nurses – it was a full house) was at the “showtime” end of the bed. He was watching all the “dilation” checks, monitoring the contractions, and rubbing my back like his life depended on it (well, during the contractions, it really did depend on it, any wrong rub and I’d have screamed “murder”). Having him around helped keep me sane between the (bleep) pain. Our sex life has never been affected by the fact that he saw me give birth, to the contrary. What did affect the mood, in the beginning, were those sleepless nights (as many can attest).

What Other Mums Say:

We asked four mums about their experiences with their partners in the labor ward, and whether their sex lives were affected after their partners watched the birth.

“My deliveries were both C-sections. My husband was with me on both occasions and looked on while the doctors did their thing. During the first delivery in South Africa, there was no drape between my face and the belly, so he saw the entire operation. Both times, we were back having sex five days after birth. Seeing the C-section gaping hole and all the blood has never affected our sex life.” – Julie, Comoros Islands

“My partner was present for the three natural births. On the first occasion, he was breathing with me through each contraction and provided some light humor and chuckles with his own breathing style, as if he too was about to deliver a baby. For the second birth, he nearly fainted from the dramatic situation where my labor had to be induced multiple times, an attempt at administering an epidural failed, and when the baby finally came out, it weighed 4.8kgs. He felt helpless watching me go through it all, he couldn’t even cut the cord that time. After birth, the sexual appetite has always gone back to normal – for him. For me, not immediately. I always needed time to recover and he respected that fully. Witnessing the births has never affected his libido.” – Augusta, Belgium

“For my first birth, my mum was with me in the delivery room, not my husband. Being our first baby, we both felt more comfortable having a pro (aka) my mum in the room. The second time around, my husband was in the room urging me on and comforting me. But I expressly told him that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should he look “Below Deck” when I was pushing.” – Lynnette, Uganda

“My husband could not witness the birth of our daughter because I had a C-section but he witnessed the painful contractions I had beforehand. Even if we didn’t end up with a natural delivery as we had planned, he was still very helpful, calling the nurses and supporting me throughout. When it came to post-partum sex, things were very painful the first few times and I have to admit, it was very hard for me to concentrate at all because I thought my baby was crying. It is important to give yourselves time to adjust to the new roles as parents and to be honest and open to each other.” – Evelyn, Italy

“Our first birth experience saw our carefully crafted birth plan fly out the window, and my husband’s wits went with it. By the time I was taken in for an emergency C-section, he had faded out in the background, clearly lost on what to do. Baby number two went better but there were still some memories from the first-time labor experience, so he left most of the contraction back rubs for the nurses and our doula to do. Both times, we took over four weeks to have sex again, not because he had seen me give birth but from me being tired and the sleepless nights. Watching me give birth never affected our sex life.” – Veronica, Portugal

Personal Opinion:

Societal expectations and dictations have irrevocably reversed the ways we look at the human body and built a wall of shame around it. To this day, there are still tribes in the world that go about their day-to-day activities while butt-naked, with no care and no shame in their naked bodies. 

While I understand that there are too many psychos who look at a naked body with other sinister ideas, we should not be afraid of our body parts. We should look at a penis or a vagina the same way we look at a finger or a foot – a part of the body that has an important function. We should not shy away from pubic hair because we don’t shy away from the hair on our heads or other body parts. The fact that we can’t even say or teach our kids the correct names of these body parts is, in my opinion, the beginning of the “shame” people associate with certain body parts.

Childbirth has come to symbolize such misplaced taboos. It is amusing that one would squirm at the thought of looking at a woman’s vagina or open lower midriff, while she’s performing the most natural thing – bringing a human being into the world. Granted, it can be shocking to see your woman’s nether regions in conditions totally different from what you are used to. Or to hear her groan, moan, and scream in pain (instead of pleasure).

But, that is childbirth. It is painful, messy, awkward, damn scary, and very unsexy.

When you promise to be there in good (making babies) and bad (pushing them out) times, you better stick around for both, buddy!

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Images: Giphy, Pexels