Many, if not most, expat families in Beijing either have their kids in school or an ayi to look after little ones. There are some excellent homeschooling communities as well, but when kids are younger – coupled with the incredible costs of daycare centers – the idea of a co-op becomes that much more tempting. The basic concept of a co-op is that you have a small group of parents who are each responsible for supervising the children one day per week. Scheduling depends on individual needs, of course, and I’ve known smaller co-ops where two parents alternated days when they were supervising the kids.
Admittedly, the definition of a co-op is a bit loose, such that a friend once asked me what the difference is between a co-op and a group of parents who hang out a lot. In short, the answer is that in a co-op, typically only one or two parents are in charge at a time. In hangouts, you pretty much stay there with your kid.
Back when my youngest turned 2, this felt like a miracle solution to my working from home arrangement. My good friend was spearheading the co-op effort and knew that a lot of my basic parenting practices aligned with the other parents. Here’s how we arranged it.
First group sharing: Get on the same page
The six of us introduced each other and the ages of our kids (between 20-26 months at the time). We talked through why we needed this, some general ideas for scheduling, and also what we’d like the kids to get out of it. Our group all agreed that a forest school mentality was ideal. Through the course of these discussions, one family did opt out, ultimately deciding that the entire process was not for them.
In-person meeting and kick-off
We met for dinner and went over everything: schedules, comfort levels with activities, locations, discipline, deal-breakers (like no TV time). After confirming everyone’s schedules, we made a Google calendar for reference. They turned to me for a suggestion on group communication, and I introduced everyone to Slack, a team-based messaging service. Doing this in person cut down on a lot of issues later. Everyone was trained in how to use Slack, we got permissions and settings set up together on the spot. Our Slack channels included: general, schedule, locations, photos, and inspiration.
Understand that family schedules are chaotic and subject to change
At least once a month, if not every two weeks, one parent had to bail on their day to watch the kids because another child was sick, they were called in to work, or any of the other hundred reasons why family schedules go awry. Sometimes another family was able to save the day, but more often than not we just didn’t have co-op that day. Colds happen, childcare is rearranged, life goes on.
Do you have an indoor or outdoor space to play, or both?
Most of the families focused on outdoor spaces for their co-op day, as we lived in a moderate climate and it gave the kiddos more room to play. My home at the time had a large playroom that opened out into our yard, and I was the only member who used an indoor space regularly (I was also the only one who didn’t have enough space in my car or enough car seats to accommodate all the kids).
Express concerns to the group
Resentment builds up, and this does not make for a happy playdate or everyday situation. My kid tended to run away from the leaders, not for any other reason than sometimes, he quite literally marches to the beat of his own (internal) drum. When we were evaluating for the spring, the other parents brought up their concerns around everyone’s safety because of his behavior. It was better to hear their concerns so I could work with my kid on the issue, rather than assume it was not a big problem because they normally joked about it.
Are you and the other parents really on the same page? Otherwise, know when it’s time to leave
I mentioned deal-breakers above, but you and your partner need to truly be comfortable with the kind of care your child will receive from each parent. These aren’t professional childcare providers who will take direction; these are folks who all have their own parenting ideologies and may or may not be able to adjust for your child. Personally, I was around 90 percent comfortable with the various parenting styles of our co-op group, and my son really enjoyed the outings and company, so it evened out. But when it came down to a deal-breaker, I found mine, and it was vaccinations. When areas of the US had measles or mumps outbreaks, that’s when I realized just how much it bothered me that we were the only vaccinated family in the co-op, and I had to leave. It didn’t affect our friendships, as we always knew the co-op was more of a business arrangement between friends. That was key.
Review emergency procedures
If any of the kids got hurt on our watch, we communicated with the others right away. I may not be the kind of parent who jumps to mild use of essential oils when my kid has a headache, but I also didn’t mind another parent using them on my child occasionally. Make sure everyone has the emergency contacts and preferred hospital, as well as medical histories easily accessible in the Slack channel. What we should have done was also kept signed, notarized letters that gave explicit permission for each one of the parents to bring our child to the hospital if necessary, and to authorize care in an emergency.
Legalities to consider
- Will a neighbor see you regularly hosting a group of children and report you to the police? Many daycares must be registered depending on the laws of the region.
- What happens in an emergency? Who is held liable?
- If a hospital visit is necessary, how far into the process can the parent-in-charge make decisions?
- Who pays for a medical injury or hospital visit if the parent-in-charge was neglectful?
- Yep, I’d say all the liabilities beyond the first one have to do with injuries. And let’s face it, kids get hurt a lot. Make sure you’re all on the same page.
Ultimately, it comes down to your comfort level with the people in your co-op and your ability to communicate. You also need to be aware that it’s hard to be the primary entertainer and supervisor of a group of kids. Is it really in your nature to basically be a preschool teacher with your friends’ kids? My saving grace was our bubble machine and trampoline – those saved my sanity on many a co-op day.
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Images: Cindy Marie Jenkins, Alejandra DeMaio, Robin Canfield
