The baby is safe in your arms. You’re all back home. Everything is great… Exhausting, but great.
But then a new reality starts to set in. At some point, it dawns on you: It’s been ages (feels like ages anyway) since you and your partner were coitally joined. You – or they – can’t put it off any longer. It’s time to address the increasingly sexy elephant in the room.
Finally, the day arrives. Tonight, or really whatever time strikes your fancy, it’s happening! I mean, it must and should happen. There’s no escaping it. You’re losing that postnatal virginity. It’s showtime baby!
A few minutes (or hours) later, the deed is done. And for some reason, guilt is beginning to set in.
“Did the baby see us having sex?”
“I’m pretty sure what we just did is legally deemed child abuse.”
“Oh gosh, the midwifery police will be knocking on our door at any moment, won’t they?”
“We’re going to be charged with child endangerment, negligence, and abandonment, aren’t we?”
“We’re terrible parents!”
No time for sexy time
You’ve just given birth, either vaginally or through a C-section, while high as a kite from too much gas and air or that pure, uncut adrenaline. A tiny human popped out of your nether regions and your lingerie-de-jour is an adult diaper that probably won’t be appearing at Paris Fashion Week any time soon. You’re so sleep-deprived you could fall in a ditch and rest there for a few hours, blissfully unaware of the dirt and grime beneath you. And on top of all that, you have raging hormones, hemorrhoids, a sutured perineum, postnatal psychosis, leaky boobies, and your tummy is wobbling like hospital-grade Jello.
Plus, there’s a tiny person who’s now dependant on you for literally everything, which is why you’re also constantly worried about literally everything: Why is the baby curled up in that way? What are those strange noises she’s making? Did I just see a pause in his breathing? Why did he throw up while I was nursing him? Why is her poo green?
The last thing on your mind is sex. But, as sure as you’ll sleep again – and potentially even give birth again – so too will you have sex.
How mama and papa got their groove back
We asked a few mums how they lost their postnatal virginity. For relatively obvious reasons, we’ll protect their identity.
Beijing mum S: “We waited (very impatiently) to have sex until after the six-week doc check-up. When the doctor finally cleared us, we practically ran home. We waited till she fell asleep. We excitedly went to take a shower together…and just like in the movies, the baby woke up, right in the middle of our time. Having sex after giving birth didn’t feel awkward – or painful – because we were waiting for it for a long time.”
Mum of two, B, from London: “With my first baby, I had sex one week postpartum. She was a good sleeper and we were so ecstatic from being new parents…we got so much closer. When baby number two rolled in, I was much more tired…[and it]took us more than two months to get it on again. It was still a great experience, albeit with interruptions on the baby monitor, which made us chuckle a bit.”
A, mum of one living in Kenya: “It really was a struggle because natural childbirth was a very traumatic experience for me. The last thing I wanted was something going in – forgive my bluntness. But, I had a husband who was getting impatient, and by the time we finally got round to it, so was I. As soon as we got through the first time, our groove was ‘back, baby.'”
The new normal
Even Mother Nature isn’t on your side when it comes to sex moods after birth. For mothers who nurse, breastfeeding releases oxytocin, a hormone that can suppress your libido. In fact, this is Mother Nature’s way of preventing another pregnancy too soon.
But, postpartum sex has to happen at some point. One useful suggestion from new parents? Make quickies your best friend. Those long, drawn-out foreplay marathons may be a thing of the past once you have babies. So, focus, get down to business, and make it short but incredibly sweet.
There’s more good news! There’s medically reported evidence that nerve compression from childbirth can awaken a range of sensations in our genitalia and can increase a woman’s orgasmic sensitivity. Sign me up!
Most importantly, however, give yourself time to heal. You are not alone if you’re not having sex straight away after childbirth. If those pre-baby boom-boom fireworks don’t come back immediately, it’s okay, fireworks and babies aren’t a good mix anyway.
KEEP READING: Daddy or Doula? Should Fathers Witness Childbirth?
Images: Giphy, Unsplash
