For teenagers, the sheer power of the line, “Because I fed you and raised you, so I get to…” is indisputable. It often seems like no matter how much we’ve grown and learned, our maturity gained through years of experience can be all but destroyed by our parents with that one simple line.
As a teenager turning 18 in a few months, a major reason I have always been so keen to grow up is to gain a degree of freedom, and specifically, the freedom to come home whenever I please at night. Simply put, I look forward to making my own choices, and not having to adhere to my parents’ decisions about what time I should return.
Curfew, of all the existing conflicts between parents and teens, is arguably one of the most mainstream and non-negotiable, and certainly one that we have no right or wrong answers to. As long as there are people, there are problems. The lack of freedom concerning returning home seems like a common struggle shared by many of similar backgrounds in Beijing, too.
“My mom has strict curfews regarding hanging out,” says Rachelle H, an incoming junior. “Usually I come home between 9 and 10pm because [my mother]makes it very clear that if I don’t get home by these times, I will not be able to hang out with my friends again for a while.”
Sometimes, parents tend to seek a quick and convenient curfew based on their child’s age, however, this may not be suited to every child’s development as maturity does not necessarily correlate with age.
“I don’t think my curfew is reasonable because I’m 16 so I should have the freedom to go out with my friends… I feel like [my mother]giving me a curfew like this means that she doesn’t exactly trust me, and that makes me kind of sad,” adds Rachelle.
Trust – undoubtedly one of the most essential qualities formed in all parent-child relationships – also happens to be one of the biggest struggles. Establishing trust is like crafting an intricate vase out of fine crystal: Considerable time is required to nurture it, but the thing can shatter into a million pieces with one slip of the hand.
However, the so-called “overprotectiveness” and “possessiveness” that many parents tend to exhibit may not come from direct mistrust towards the child.
“I don’t trust the kids that I don’t know, [my children]may be in contact with people who can make them do things that they would not do otherwise,” says Solange Avom, an expat mother of two 16-year-olds in Beijing.
From this perspective, the argument seems equally sensible, as parents actually tend to place more trust in their children to teach them the concept of trust and accountability.
Student Qinglan Du, who does not have a curfew, expresses that her father trusts that she is responsible for getting home safely at night. “I think it’s important to give [teenagers]this degree of freedom because when they are off to college, no parent will be there to implement a curfew”, says Qinglan, adding, “for kids who feel restricted or unhappy with their curfews, the sudden freedom of college could cause them to defy all their old restrictions and go all out, which could be risky. So I think it’s good to practice during high school.”
Lee Cassidy, a mother of two daughters currently living in Beijing with her younger daughter, shares a similar parenting philosophy. “Neither of my daughters have or had a specific curfew. They have open discussions with us regardless of if their decision has positive or negative consequences.”
In fact, Cassidy’s family began building this parent-child trust when the children were quite young. “Since my daughters were young, their father and I gave choices about what to wear, how to play, and who were their friends. We gave them choices because we knew there would come a time when they would have to make their own choices. Everything we have done was to prepare them to make safe and healthy decisions.”
Likewise, safety, another common concern that parents face, is a crucial aspect to consider in responsible parenting. For those living in Beijing, a general consensus seems to be that Beijing is a relatively safe city. People have expressed that “there’s always security, bright lights, and crowds of people” and that “Didi drivers are conscientious and public transport is reliable and secure.” So what might be the other reasons why parents still believe their teens need to come home by a specific time?
“I consider Beijing a safe city because you cannot get robbed or harassed,” says Avom. “However, my children must be home by 8pm latest as I believe it teaches them discipline.”
Although different families establish different rules, most parents tend to share one commonality: They all want their child to learn valuable lessons and essential life skills – choosing the right friends, establishing independence, making safe and responsible decisions, and understanding the concept of discipline – from life’s simple daily undertakings such as coming home at night after hanging out.
There is no rule as to what responsible and safe parenting is, but through active communication and mutual understanding, parents can establish ways to help their teens minimize risks when being out, while still providing a suitable extent of freedom that is in accordance with their teen’s emotional maturity.
Freedom can be earned through trust, but trust can also be built through letting go of fears and allowing a greater sense of freedom. There is no fixed formula.
This article appeared in the jingkids 2021 July-August issue
