As we head into the new year I used my totally made-up powers of clairvoyance to take a look at your completely accurate but fully fabricated Chinese zodiac forecast for the Year of the Tiger in Beijing… you’re welcome! Check these out just for a good laugh.
Rats in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008, 2020
You trickster you…we know you love a good prank but the aggressive and in-your-face Year of the Tiger might leave you asking “Who Moved My Cheese?” Be on your best behavior and when the urge to outwit the world strikes, remember the words of Sandra Bullock: “I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven’t slept all night, I’m starved, and I’m armed! Don’t mess with me!”…Also, avoid the Forbidden City in August…don’t ask.
Ox in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009, 2021
Recharge your Starbucks card cause your slow and steady m.o. is not going to work for the fast-paced tiger. If you can keep up however, you, much like Cardi B, might have “Bruno singin’ to ya while you do your money dance!” Invest in a vegan 餃子 jiǎozi dumpling stand outside the Forbidden City. Just trust me, I know things.
Tiger in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1938, 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010, 2022
Ok, I think your year should be lucky but I have it on good authority from my Chinese friends and spirit guides that your own year requires special precautions, lest you attract evil spirits. These include wearing red underwear and avoiding interactions with any noncompatible signs – basically all of them except pigs. I don’t know about you but there have been enough evil spirits over the past two years in the form of a global pandemic, closed borders, and a slowly warming planet. Take no chances, tattoo red undies on your body, and hide under the bed for the next 12 months!
Rabbits in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011, 2023
Y’all supposedly have a high level of sophistication, as well as expensive taste and the cash to afford it! This year you will feel guilty about it but that won’t stop you from rolling around in your money like Scrooge McDuck. Good for you! Hang out at Top Tapas where you will meet an alluring snake…marry them immediately because this is the one.
Dragons in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012, 2024
Your famously short tempers are going to be on full display this year because your kids are once again doing online learning. There is hope in the form of an entrepreneurial dog however. In the meantime leave the poor tigers alone. Instead, go yell at the rabbits, they are too busy swan diving into their mountains of money to care!
Snakes in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013, 2025
You will be at your peek of charm and beauty! Seriously, enjoy it cause it’s all down hill from here so use the time wisely to snag a rich rabbit (they are at Top Tapas) or entrepreneurial ox (pretend to be vegan), and don’t sign a prenup!
Horses in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014, 2026
“You want to break free…” and party. Your playlists this year will be epic. In fact, songwriters will pen tunes about your ability to balance the classic stylings of Queen with the cool indie band you discovered at an underground Beijing bar called Blue Note. Do yourself a favor and force them to sign you on as their manager. You don’t actually need to do anything but you’ll get paid when they become famous.
Goats in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015, 2027
This is it! The year you meet the love of your life. But they are a snake and are busy trapping a wealthy rabbit in a loveless marriage with no prenup. So be patient until the divorce goes through and you two can shack up using the settlement. In the meantime make money helping the tigers distract their kids.
Monkeys in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016, 2028
Find a horse native and a camera cause the next 10 years are gonna be rough if you don’t make money blackmailing a bunch of people who partied too hard at Blue Note. Also, hang out with your camera near the Forbidden City in August because the rats are not going to listen to me and those pictures will be priceless! If you play your cards right this year could make you the Perez Hilton of Beijing!
Roosters in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017, 2029
This is the year to do something truly noble. Your destiny is to find homes for all the lost puppies of Beijing. You will go bankrupt in the process, receive no credit for your work, and probably lose the love of your life to a snake but hey, we all make sacrifices.
Dogs in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018, 2030
You will have the most amazing year ever! And not just because the writer of this article is a dog. You will single-handedly not develop the solution to making online learning effective. Instead, you will create a tasty herbal gummy chew that ensures both teachers and parents don’t care! You will be introduced to a charming and attractive single-parent dragon, who is so grateful for your soothing invention that they will help you take it global. You will become a jet-setting, financial power couple.
Pigs in the Year of the Tiger
Birth years: 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019, 2031
Any year is a good year for you in Beijing because you love luxury and entertainment, but this year try and be a fly on the wall and don’t get caught up in the drama unfolding at Blue Note or Top Tapas. Instead, try and find a lonely tiger who has been avoiding everyone else. They won’t leave their house but you might be able to coax them out from under the bed with some aloe gel to sooth their tattoo. Order from Meituan and watch the second season of Squid Game. Love will bloom. ‘Cause nothing says romance like Larry The Bird Mac and Cheese and watching people get shot in the head for failing to play children’s games correctly.
That’s it, don’t say I didn’t warn you!
KEEP READING: Helping Your Tiger Baby Roar!
Images: Canva
