“Domestic violence was never something I expected to experience. Who does?”
This line stands out to me from Megan’s firsthand account of surviving an abusive relationship. Nobody goes into a romance thinking it’s going to happen to them. Similarly, few of us even consider that it could be happening to the people in our orbit. But abusive relationships are more common than we’d care to admit, and the form of abuse varies in so many ways. The impact, however, is always devastating and long-lasting. We chat with survivor Megan to find out more about how to support domestic abuse survivors on their journey to recovery.
A brief introduction to Megan’s story:
Megan first came to Beijing to pursue further studies in Chinese culture and politics more than 10 years ago, and now has deep roots in the city. Since she got out of the year-long abusive relationship she was in, she’s dedicated herself to supporting women through volunteering with the Female Health Empowerment Network, as well as helping women who have suffered intimate partner violence and sexual assault.
You’ve already shared some of your story in previous articles but I never read about this part – How did you get out of the previous abusive relationship?
I remember this moment very vividly. Going out with my friends one night had completely set my ex off. When I refused to engage in another argument in the middle of the night over nothing, he became extremely violent and it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life. After that, I became completely numb; I felt like I had zero emotion or energy left to give, and that’s when I knew that I couldn’t deal with it anymore. So I shut down and just tried to make it through each day until I could set myself free. We were living together at that time and I wasn’t financially or mentally stable enough to do what I needed to leave yet. I thought that I could just hold out for a couple more months until the lease was up and then move on with my life more smoothly. We were in this weird limbo state then. Then a week or so after my birthday that year, things escalated to an even more extreme point that I didn’t believe was possible. He attacked me when I tried to record evidence of the abuse with my phone, and I barely managed to escape and called my friend to come get me in the middle of the night. From that night, I started to pick up the pieces of my life and rebuild.
Could you tell us what the healing process looked like for you?
After I got out of the relationship, I had a support group of friends and family that I could lean on. Even though I didn’t tell my family all the details, they were there for me. My friends were there for me. They were supportive. One of the biggest hurdles after enduring an abusive relationship is that you feel like you can’t trust or rely on anyone because the person that was supposed to love you was the one that’s hurting you. So surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care for you is key.
I did take women’s self-defense for a few months which was really great. But for me, doing all the research and helping others is my form of therapy. It doesn’t make what happened to me less horrific, but it makes me feel like that experience wasn’t for nothing.
What are the dos and don’ts for friends and family trying to support a survivor?
The most important thing that anyone can do is to just offer an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Don’t judge or blame the victim, and don’t offer advice. Many people will say “Just leave” but if you did a little research on domestic violence you’ll see how useless that kind of advice is.
What would you say to survivors hesitating to step forward and seek help?
Although no two situations are the same, I’ve been through what you’ve been through. And if I could go back in time and seek help like this, then I would not pass up the opportunity. Because if I had it, I would have been a lot happier and healthier sooner.
Megan is organizing a Women’s Small Group Therapy session with licensed therapist Xiaojie that focuses on “Healing From Past Abusive Relationships” starting Mar 13. The sessions aim to help participants gain self-awareness, awareness of others, and improve communication in intimate relationships. Through various fundraising efforts since December 2021, Megan has made it possible for participants to only pay a minimal fee of RMB 150 per session, with a total of six sessions to be paid upfront. For more details, scan the QR code above.
KEEP READING: Penny For Your Thoughts? Accessing Mental Health in Beijing
Images: Pexels
