You made It! For an entire year, you and your partner kept your child alive and managed to keep your own sanity. You threw a big first birthday party, are looking at preschools, and think you finally have this whole parenting thing down. Then something odd happens.
Your sweet little cuddle bundle is suddenly moody, aggressive, and defiant for no apparent reason. It’s not all the time. In fact, at least half the day is a joy. They are learning to do more physically, their vocabulary is increasing, and they are so wonderfully curious about everything! But one minute they are happily laughing and playing with you, and the next they are screaming and throwing the cup of water they just asked you for across the room. No, your child is not possessed! You have arrived at the terrible twos.
Most kids go through this phase at least once between the ages of 1.5 and four. And there are several good developmental reasons for it. First, your little one is trying to learn to be independent. So they are testing boundaries and trying to see what they can and cannot do both physically and socially. That can be incredibly frustrating and exhausting for them (and you) because it means they are constantly trying and failing at things. Secondly, there is a communication barrier. Toddlers are feeling and thinking a lot of things, but they don’t yet have the ability to tell others their experiences and needs. And finally, they don’t understand that their experiences and needs may not be the same as those of others. They assume that you know what they want and are not giving it to them on purpose.
So how do you deal with this incredibly important but very difficult phase? As with most things involving kids, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. But there are a few things you can do to make it easier on both of you.
Let’s start with limiting the tantrums by intervening before they start. Here are a few tools that might be helpful.
Ask Questions: Your child is trying to communicate with you, so when you see a tantrum about to set in and you don’t know why ask, “I don’t understand, can you tell me/show me what you want?”
Create a Shorthand: Especially for the much younger side of the age group, who are not particularly verbal, physical cues can be helpful while they are mastering spoken language. Figure out a signal or single word for basic things like “I want,” “please,” “thank you,” “I can do it myself,” “help me,” etc. Some children do very well with sign language until they are able to speak.
Redirecting With Limited Choices: Remember what we said about independence and boundary-pushing? That’s doesn’t mean your child is capable of making good choices. Giving your child limited options allows for the independence they need and the structure that keeps them safe. For example, rather than saying, “Sit down please,” and being met with a defiant no, you can phrase it as “Do you want to sit in the blue chair or the red chair?” You have set the boundaries because they are going to sit, but they have some control over where they sit. It’s not foolproof but it’s shocking how often this works with even the most stubborn children.
Schedules: This phase is exhausting for both of you. Your child’s brain and body are developing at lightning speed and they need more sleep and food than you think. So work that into your daily schedule. A well-rested and well-fed toddler is more likely to be (slightly) more reasonable and less prone to meltdowns, and caregivers who have a few hours of downtime during naps are more likely to be able to help navigate and support their little one during their waking hours. Getting on a schedule will also make the transition to school easier when that time comes.
But even if you are superwoman, Mary Poppins, and Mr. Rogers all rolled into one, there are going to be meltdowns. Often public ones.
Stay Calm: Breath in, breath out, and speak in an even, controlled voice. You getting upset is only going to add fuel to the fire. Your child doesn’t understand what is happening to them and needs you to talk them through it.
Acknowledge feelings: Start by identifying what they are feeling. “I see you are angry and that’s okay. Can you tell me/show me why?” For older children, ask them to identify the feeling: “I want to help you but I need to understand what you need. Can you tell me what is wrong?”
Ride the Wave: Often your child is too far gone to talk, what I oh-so-technically refer to as being “all torqued up.” Give them time to calm down, but don’t give in to the negative behavior. Stay close to them so they know you are available when they are ready to communicate. But do not acknowledge the screaming or flailing. The second they calm down and approach for a hug or voice an emotion (“I am angry/sad/hurt.”) acknowledge it, provide comfort, and give positive reinforcement for their communication.
Change Locations: If something in the environment was overwhelming or triggered the tantrum, take them to a calmer place. This is especially necessary if they are hitting or getting physically aggressive. They need to understand that feelings are okay but actions have consequences, and when we hit we cannot be around our friends. This sort of behavior often happens in play spaces or shopping areas where there is a lot of stimulation. Moving to a room with very little light, noise, or tech, or even going outside to a natural environment, can be calming and help your child process their emotions.
Offer Options and Make Them Ask: Once the crying and screaming have passed, set a new script. Identify what they want. Give them choices that are appropriate, and make them ask for what they would like. Then respond to the needs they stated. For example: “I understand you want ice cream now but we only eat ice cream for dessert. Would you like to get ice cream for us to have after dinner?” Get a “yes, please” or “no, thank you” response. If they answer affirmatively, give them a choice: “Great. Would you like chocolate or vanilla?”
Set Boundaries and Be Consistent: I know it is exhausting, but if you give in and let them have ice cream for dinner because they threw a tantrum, then what they learned is “If I yell enough I get what I want.” But if you hold your ground, they will try something else next time. This is why giving them the communication options above is so important. Toddlers are smart and objective-oriented. A big part of this developmental phase is them figuring out the best way to get needs and wants met, and they will continue the actions that get them results. So, if tantrums get results, they will throw more tantrums. The same holds true with talking and negotiating.
None of these will work all the time. Some of them won’t work for you at all, while others will feel like a magic bullet. Every toddler is unique and evolving, so be patient and try different things. My last reminder is to take time to recharge. If you are at the end of your rope, ask for help. Tag out with your ayi or partner. Ask a friend to watch the kids for an hour so you can read a book or get a manicure, and make sure you return the favor at a later date. You need to care for yourself so that you can care for your child.
Images: Canva
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