We hear over and over again how important communication is. We work through differing communication styles with partners, friends, and colleagues but communicating with children baffles most adults.
That’s because families are evolving organisms. Kids move rapidly through developmental stages and need something different from their parents at each step in the process. And each parent has a communication style that may or may not be easily adapted to the developmental stage their child is in.
I know parents who loved communicating with their toddlers but the ice wall of the teen years seems impossible to scale. The reverse is true too. I know plenty of adults who have no clue how to converse with a 2-year-old but can happily talk about sports, politics, or world news for hours with their 12-year-old.
So, what do your kids need from you at each stage and how do you communicate to them during that period? Hint, it’s rarely about what you say.
Infants and Babies (yes, they communicate!)
Parents as deity: You are their conduit to the world. They just spent nine months in a small, dark, quiet space so this big, bright, loud world is overwhelming and they need you to be their guide.
By far baby’s strongest senses are physical touch and smell. Lots of holding, rocking, etc. tells them that you are here and they are safe. In addition, quiet singing and gentle speaking on any topic are great while you cuddle your little bundle. They don’t understand what you are talking about but tone and cadence can help stimulate their developing brain.
Baby massage and good eye contact can help stimulate growth and foster a sense of well-being. It will also give you a chance to watch for baby’s responses, learning what they do and do not like, which is a form of communication. The Mayo Clinic has an excellent “how-to” on baby massage on its website.
Toddlers
Parents as magicians: In this phase, you are an all-powerful wizard capable of making things happen or disappear. You are the mystical keeper of the Cheerios, the powerful wielder of the remote control, the master of bath time fun, and the most beautiful person they have ever seen. They are more than a little in aw of you and when not having a total meltdown (more on that here: The Taming of the Twos) they are a joy to be around. As long as you know how to read their cues.
Everything is a wonder to a 3-year-old and they want to share all of it with you. All you need to do is engage in what they are engaging in. If they are happily building a block tower, sit on the floor and help them. They hand you the play phone? Put it to your ear and say “hello!” They are excitedly pointing at a car? Say “yes, I see the big red car! It’s amazing. What other colors do you see?” At this age your child wants to communicate with you and they do that primarily through play.
Elementary Age Kids
Parents as Superman/Wonder Woman: You are strong, you are capable and you have all the answers.
And that’s good because they have a lot of questions. Most elementary-age kids want your time and attention and have the verbal skills to communicate. Generally, their favorite sentences start with “Why?” And while its constant use can make you crazy sometimes that word is a gift to a parent! Because the answer should be, “let’s find out!” Rather than simply telling them the answer and shooing them away so you can finish your very important grown-up work, invite them to investigate with you. Sit them on your lap, get online and do some research together. Even better, if you have the time set up a simple experiment. I have a very fond memory of my dad helping me dissect the pop-up turkey thermometer one Thanksgiving because I wanted to know how it knew the bird was done cooking.
The other thing to think about is introducing them to things you love. Broaden their horizons by selecting great music for the car trip, “Midnight Train to Georgia” and “Dancing in the Moonlight” will always make me think of Sunday afternoons dancing with my parents and siblings in the living room. They want to be like you so teach them something you love to do. Cooking, knitting, bargain hunting, sports. They think you are awesome. So pick an activity you love and use it as an opportunity to build a foundation for the years to come.
Tweens
Parents as Spider-Man: You need to be constantly hanging around but able to swing in and out of the situation as needed.
I used to volunteer with fifth graders in Virginia and I would joke they walked in as sweet kids in September and slowly transformed into hormonal moody teens by June. But it’s a pretty special developmental opportunity. The tween years are about inspiration and choosing a focus. Kids at this age want to be independent but still have a desire to be useful, helpful, and often exhibit an altruistic streak. In short, they want to make a difference in their communities, to have an effect.
But how to do that? When they are younger you drive their interests but now they need to take control. You are still in the car and navigating but they need to pick the destination. Start with open-ended questions. What was your favorite part of that movie? What do you like/hate about school? What’s your favorite food?
Whatever the answer, even if it’s only one word, find a way to affirm their opinion and ask follow-up questions. Themes will start to emerge. They love games of strategy or think a certain filmmaker is really cool, they care a lot about the environment. You might be surprised by their interests and it will give you an opening to learn more about who they are becoming and the friends they are making. Then show an interest in those things and suggest activities they might like. “You told me that director X is really cool, there is a movie by him/her on Netflix, will you watch it with me?”
You should also consider getting them involved in long-term clubs or groups for the things they show interest in. If you as a parent can help them discover what they love you will be helping to set them up with a positive peer community and a safe place to get support for the oh so important and tumultuous teen years ahead.
Teens
Parents as Batman: You’re the hero they deserve, not the hero they need.
Much like the Dark Knight, your job is to lurk in the shadows and observe. You will be able to do almost nothing right and they will often hate you. It sucks, I’m sorry. But your teenager is biologically primed to reject you right now. Nature is preparing them to leave your nest and create their own. They are seeking a community and identity outside of their current family structure. That doesn’t mean they don’t need you and it doesn’t mean you stop communicating.
No matter how hard they push you away keep showing up. Attend every football match, go to every concert, don’t miss a debate meet. Even if they roll their eyes in front of their friends, they need to know you are there and supportive. So wave from the stands and tell them you are proud of them after the final curtain, then send them off to get pizza with the team.
Use the other adults in their life. As difficult as it can be to watch your child confide in someone else this is normal. The coach who listens, the choir director who cares, the cool godparent they relate to, these proxy adults are an important tool for you as a parent. Teens still need adult guidance but it can feel like failing if they run to mommy and daddy, or they might be worried about disappointing you. A slightly removed but trusted adult can give them a safe outlet, provide them with good advice and they can be a direct line back to you if something dangerous or truly difficult needs intervention.
Watch for your teen’s cues. Remember that hobby from the elementary school years? If they suddenly sit down with you and start knitting or ask to bake cookies together, they might be signaling that they need to talk to you but don’t know how to broach a subject. Don’t rush in guns blazing, ask those open-ended questions as you work on the requested activity. Let them know you are listening but not pushing.
Last but not least, let them start taking a leadership role in the family. Give them a reasonable say in planning family outings or vacations, ask them to help you write new family rules around tech or meal planning. If they feel invested in the family in a new way you might get better participation and communication from them during those events.
In short, be there and offer opportunities, but don’t demand. Because the next phase is pretty cool.
Young Adults
Parents as Friends: At this point, you can start being a “real person” to your kids. As they have experiences beyond the family unit they start to realize, “Hey, my parents knew what they were talking about.” They suddenly see that they get their sense of humor from you and their work ethic from your partner. They no longer need you, so now they get to choose you. But that can only happen if you lay the foundation in childhood for open communication as an adult.
Every family and every child is different. We want to offer as many perspectives as possible. If you have an experience or parenting hack that can help someone else, please share it in the comments!
KEEP READING: Can You Discipline Someone Else’s Child?
Images: Canva
