It’s safe to say we are all under more than a little extra stress lately. The constant uncertainty of the current situation is affecting every aspect of our lives, from school and jobs to when or if we will be able to get back to our home countries to see our families. And this kind of prolonged stress needs to be handled carefully, not only for us but also for our kids.
According to Harvard University’s Center on the Developing Child, toxic stress “can have a cumulative toll on an individual’s physical and mental health—for a lifetime. The more adverse experiences in childhood, the greater the likelihood of developmental delays and later health problems.” The Adverse Childhood Experiences Study found that “toxic stress has the potential to change your child’s brain chemistry, brain anatomy, and even gene expression. Toxic stress weakens the architecture of the developing brain, which can lead to lifelong problems in learning, behavior, and physical and mental health.”
Some signs of unmanaged stress in children include changes in eating patterns, excessive weight gain or loss, changes in sleep patterns, sudden moody or aggressive behavior, lack of interest in previously enjoyable activities, and uncontrollable crying.
But there is good news. The same Harvard article states that the difference between toxic stress and tolerable stress is protective relationships. “If the activation is time-limited and buffered by relationships with adults who help the child adapt, the brain and other organs recover from what might otherwise be damaging effects.” In other words, if we help our children acknowledge and manage their stress it can go a long way to mitigating these negative physiological reactions.
But how to do that? I reached out to two local specialists, Dalida Turkovic, a mindfulness coach with over 20 years of experience and an executive at the Beijing Mindfulness Centre (BMC), and Dr. Paul Rochon, a bio-psychologist, neuroscientist, and the founder of the companies Engineering Sleep and Engineering Wellbeing, for their advice.
The first thing to remember is you need to manage your own stress before you can effectively help your child manage theirs. Turkovic suggests grounding practices, which can be as brief as two minutes, to help lower your stress levels and the resulting hormone influx. “Pause to notice an object and look at shapes and colors, textures and details,” says Turkovic. “Notice how your breath enters your body, just notice the coolness of breath in your nostrils. Feel your feet flat on the floor and make a few slow steps while staying connected. Touch your fingertips with great awareness, move toward your palm, notice sensations.” She stresses that these practices don’t need to be perfect – a wandering mind is normal and consistent use is more important than perfect focus.
You can guide your child through this same exercise using simple, approachable vocabulary. As Turkovic says, “Thoughts are like buses – let your child learn that they don’t have to take each thought as a reality. If each thought is a bus, which bus do they want to get on? Let them spend a few minutes noticing how buses come and go and they get on a bus that is taking them in the direction of calm, resourcefulness, and joy. Who is riding the bus? Once they get on the bus let all emotions be there too: sadness, worry, anger, joy, anxiety. Ask them who is riding the bus and how would the journey be with that driver being in control. How do other passengers feel about that driver taking the lead? What are the options? Where do they want to go?”
It’s also important to help your child name their feelings and emotions. Turkovic suggests encouraging them to journal, write comforting letters to themselves, or draw as a way to work through their feelings. The BMC also has tools like communication cards that can help your child develop the vocabulary to share their feelings in a healthy way.
Another controllable factor in an uncontrollable situation is your child’s sleep patterns. With the constant shuffling between in-person and online learning, it’s easy for a child’s schedule to become inconsistent, which can trigger or exacerbate their stress level. “Too much stress is correlated to high activation of our sympathetic nervous system, which produces a lot of stress hormones,” Dr. Rochon explains. “When our stress hormones stay too long in our body, it becomes harmful and doesn’t allow the mind and the body to relax enough to activate the sleep pattern.”
Dr. Rochon encourages keeping a ritualized relaxation routine that begins 90 minutes before bedtime: “Always starting by dimming the light as much as possible, then doing the same thing every night in the same order (massage, imagination, stories, writing our worries in a notebook, etc.).” He also suggests doing simple breathing exercises to help your child manage their stress and prepare for sleep. As they are lying in bed, help them take a short inhale for two seconds, followed by a long exhale for five seconds. Repeat this over and over until the pattern has become natural.
Of course, sometimes we all need a little extra help. The Beijing Mindfulness Centre, Engineering Sleep, and Engineering Well-Being each offer various wellness services. You can scan the QR codes below to reach out for more information.
In the meantime, keep communicating with your children. Be sure to give yourself plenty of self-care, and be kind and patient with each other as we all work through the current uncertainty.
Images: Dalida Turkovic, Dr Rochon
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