Are You a Trailing Spouse? Should You Get Paid?

I haven’t been home in over three years now, and I’m sure that most of Beijing’s expatriate population has been going through the same.

But despite the rigid international travel restrictions, once in a while, a quarantined newcomer to Beijing pops up in a WeChat group asking for advice, recommendations, and opinions. For people leaving their homes during such difficult and uncertain times, there is usually a job offer involved, one that no one in their right mind would refuse.

When it’s not you, but your partner who gets this kind of offer, there are a lot of things to consider before making the decision to move across the world. You, as one half of the partnership, have to give up your (often very lucrative) career, your home, your family and friends, hop on a plane, and start a new chapter halfway around the world. Yes, you agree to become a so-called “trailing spouse.”

This obsolete and incorrect term refers to people who are brave enough to uproot their lives and move across the world for the sake of their partners’ careers, leaving everyone and everything behind. If you are in this situation or you know someone who is, you know what I’m talking about. There’s no “trailing” involved in sacrificing your whole life for your significant other’s dream.

Ten years ago, I could not imagine myself sitting at home while my partner became the sole breadwinner. But with kids in the picture, I made a very conscious decision to stay at home with them for the first year of their lives, and oh, the fun we’ve had!

But even with two small kids and my husband working, I still needed more. I joined the local gym, bought an annual pool pass for me and the kids (I still remember the horror-stricken look on people’s faces when they realized it was only me with two kids), took them to playgroups across town, and used each and every opportunity I got to meet new people. And even though I’m not an expert, I can imagine how difficult it would be to drop everything and move across the world with no job in sight, no support network, and with the pandemic putting a stop to every social event in the city.

Unfortunately, ladies, we got the short end of the stick. Although anyone can be an expat partner, according to InterNations Expat Survey, 84% of “trailing spouses” are women and 72% of those gave up their career to follow their husbands to another country. When it comes to job opportunities, 58% say that they would like to find a job, but cannot for a variety of reasons.

Why is being a “trailing spouse” such a big deal?

Now, there’s no denying that these job offers are amazing opportunities for families to experience a different kind of life without having to worry about finances. This makes the moving part a little less stressful and even exciting.

But after you unpack and your partner dashes off to work, it hits you: you’re all alone.

When the initial excitement fades and reality kicks in, you find yourself in a new place, surrounded by people whose language you don’t speak, with no one to talk to and your partner living their dream away from you. The cultural shock and loss of a support network can lead to feelings of isolation, loneliness, and depression. But other than feeling depressed and misplaced, there’s something else you might be experiencing — empty pockets. So on top of a stressful situation, financial dependence and loss of personal income come crashing down on you and leave you wondering “now what?”

So should “trailing spouses” get paid?

Apart from you not being comfortable playing a supporting role for which, by the way, you have no one to blame other than your partner’s top-paying new job, there’s a very real, practical issue of you not being able to take care of yourself financially.

For a spouse who had to sacrifice a career, depending on a partner’s income while navigating life in a new city and having no one to complain about it can be daunting and demoralizing. Heck, I don’t want to ask my husband for money every time I want to get my hair done or buy a new pair of shoes! Let’s summarize the issues here:

1. You had a promising career – you gave that up to become “the spouse of (insert name)” and move to a country with strict work permit regulations that complicate your career advancement plans even further.

2. You had your own money – you gave it up to become dependent on your spouse’s salary, which subsequently makes things as simple as opening a bank account a living nightmare.

3. You had a strong network of supportive friends and family – more often than not they get blinded by your partner’s high income and flashy job, so they stop being so understanding which leaves you without a support network.

4. You had an established identity – adding cultural challenges to all the things mentioned above makes this a combo that would create an identity and even mental health issues for anyone.

5. Let’s not forget that if there are kids involved, you have to act as a shock absorber and not let any of the bad stuff get through to your offspring.

So should you be paid for all the sacrifices you’ve made?

There have been papers written about “trailing spouse” stipends or provisions. This would be an unemployment benefit the expat partner can collect and it’s actually a small part of the working spouse’s salary that goes on the “trailing spouse’s” account. Is that enough? I don’t know. But it’s something. It’s a start.

Recently a Douyin blogger (14truth) made a video explaining why he pays his wife a monthly salary when she became a stay-at-home mom. The video goes on to sum up all her duties as a stay-at-home parent and the market value of those jobs in their city. That’s what they used to calculate what her salary should be.

He explains that she’s paid at the beginning of the month and they each spend their money freely. What’s left at the end of the month gets deposited into a joint family bank account. He said it was important that she’s paid a salary. The money itself doesn’t matter since he’s the sole breadwinner for the family, but it’s what the money represents that matters. He explains that to his family, the salary he pays her represents the value of her time and it was important for them to use this method as a way to show that the career she gave up and the work she puts into her family is not going unappreciated.

So what should you do?

Being a “trailing spouse” is a tough job. Leaving friends and family, and losing the support you’ve gotten used to over the years is not a walk in the park. Finding new people is what will keep you sane and help you not lose yourself to the new reality. That’s why you should start rebuilding your support network as soon as you unpack your boxes, before the excitement of being in a city as amazing as Beijing fades. I found that it’s the easiest if you just dive in head-first — don’t think about your non-existent Chinese language skills, or being the odd one out. Beijing is a multicultural city with a very active expat community so finding people to talk to can be quite easy, if you want that. There are WeChat groups for everyone and about everything so if nothing else works, ask to be added to the groups you’re interested in and start getting to know people. I made some pretty amazing friends here and they have been there for me ever since. It is more difficult now with the lockdowns and restrictions, but since the whole city has gone online, you can do it, too.

Sign up for online classes or virtual tours, and keep your social media profiles active. Get a dog (there are so many waiting to be adopted) and go for a walk in your compound. Anything to help you with the transition.

Finally, don’t forget to keep communicating with your partner and remember that you can always ask for professional help if you need it.

Images: Pexels