Depending on where you are, lining up for Covid tests can take two minutes or two hours. Since we’ll all be stuck standing in lines for the foreseeable future, we might as well make use of the downtime for something other than scrolling Douyin or Taobao on our phones.
So what can you do? Well, depends on what workout you fancy.
1: Running
You got your Airpods in, Vivobarefoot shoes on, and Strava app set so you can later brag about that horse doodle you made on your GPS map. Sure, you can’t really leg out those long strides since you’re basically stuck at the equivalent of a stoplight crossing surrounded by pedestrians who couldn’t give two sh*ts about your running time. But you can jog in place (there’s a metaphor for life somewhere in there) so you don’t get stiff or cold, or lower your all-important heart rate while you imagine yourself smashing that glorious 10K without all your joints spontaneously exploding.
2: HIIT
If you’re addicted to sweating and soreness, then a Covid line is the perfect space for you to get your fitness fix. Any good Tabata-style workout should fit into 10-20 minutes – which is perfect for the average Covid lineup times. You and your family are used to kicking it out in public spaces for your 7am workout, so a Covid lineup is a perfect place for a cheap/free sweat session right before your RMB 388 weekend brunch (or RMB 488 with free flow).
3: Yoga
Flow into downward dog and breathe out all the anxiety caused by this situation. Your anger that your company is suddenly cutting your salary because “you weren’t really able to work in May and June”? Feel it leave your body as you open up into Warrior 1. Your mounting burnout as that trip you planned to Sanya is now cancelled thanks to that stupid asterisk on your Beijing health code? Let it go as you ease down into Chaturanga. The nagging voice in your head as you debate staying trapped for a third year because you’re too broke and/or don’t work for an embassy or German Auto company that’ll spring for a charter flight home during the summer holiday? Shut it up as you relax into Child’s Pose. Namaste, b*tches.
4: Weight lifting
If you worship at the temple of iron, then you definitely can’t miss a workout or you mess up your training plan for the week. Your 15-inch biceps and 120kg dead-lift PR were hard earned, so you gotta smash out those sets, holler “Your workout is my warm up!” and shove down that protein shake and Tupperware of chicken breast right after. If you’re competitive, additional points for slamming the weights on the ground as hard as possible and grunt-screaming so everyone notices how awesome you are at making loud noises with small weights.
5: Boxing
You’re a champion. You’re a fighter. You’ve done a month of boxing classes, you’re excited about the Alvarez-Golovkin trilogy fight, and you’re totally doing the next Shuangjing Showdown. So, focus: Jab. Cross. Hook. Uppercut. Watch your footwork. Move in, keep the pressure, slip the punch and counter. Perfect. You totally aren’t bothering anyone else in line, and you totally don’t look like a crazy person. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee … You are the greatest. You said that even before you knew you were… You shook up the world. You….!
6: Jiujitsu
Get in my guard. I dare you. I will totally choke you out. And no, I will not stand up, because all fights go to the ground.
7: Influencer Workout
You got your kettlebells and bands, and now you just gotta come up with that perfect flow-combo movement to post to your Instagram/Douyin/YouTube channel. Totally not related to your actual workout, but as long as it’s interesting enough to get to views and maybe a few more followers, you’re good. One thing though: Without a full-length mirror, in-gym photo booth, or angel wings painted on the walls, it’s gonna be hard getting those perfect Iinsta-snaps. Dammit…!
8: Traditional Beijing Retiree Workout
The workout to beat all workouts: Stand totally upright, then twist your body in one direction and slap yourself hard on the stomach and back. Then do other side. Smack your chest, then smack your thighs. Who needs weights when you can smash your body parts three ways to Sunday? At the end, walk back, walk forward, then swing your forearms and smash it backward, then smash it forward. Nothing like mild qigong to prepare you for life. (And ensure people stay two whole meters away from you.)
We could all use a laugh during these challenging times. If it’s not obvious, we’re not advocating bringing barbells outdoors or rolling around on the concrete (unless that’s your thing, then knock yourself out). Hope this made you smile and try to take everything in this insane period just a little lighter.
Images: Avery Townsend, Uni You
