When I graduated from high school, one of the best gifts I received was a $20 gift card, a deck of playing cards, and the following instructions:
1) Use this gift card to buy four pizzas. (It was 2001 – pizzas for USD 5 were a thing!)
2) Have them delivered to the dorm common room on the first night after orientation.
3) Offer a free slice to anyone who walks by.
It was genius. Fifteen minutes after the pizzas arrived I had a group of fellow freshmen, all as excited, confused, and lonely as I was, hanging out eating pizza and playing cards. It took all the pressure off and let us just have an experience together. I won’t tell you we all became BFFs – in fact, many of those kids I never saw again. But for the next few weeks, a couple of us helped each other figure out dorm life, ate meals with each other, and studied together. It was just enough time to get us over the initial hump that is freshman semester, and let us settle into classes and activities that formed lasting friendships.
As the high school class of 2022 prepares to head off on their own college adventure, here are some tried and true methods of finding companions for the journey.
Be brave:
Everyone is scared and alone. They all are looking for companionship too, so don’t hesitate to make the first gesture of friendship. Not everyone will take you up on it, and you won’t click with every person you chat with, but at least a few people will end up being friends and study partners. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
Opt for a roommate:
Even if you have the choice of a single room, opt for a roommate. It will give you someone to talk to and share information with. You will also each probably get invited to different social events, and you should make a point to bring the other along so you can expand your circles.
Get out of your dorm room:
This sounds obvious, but you would be shocked how many people just sit in their rooms all the time watching TV and missing home. There will probably be events and mixers organized by the student council. Go mix and mingle.
Have a cool ice breaker:
You lived in China. That is an awesome and interesting thing about yourself, and with a little pre-planning talking about where you’ve lived can be a great way to break the ice at a party. Pack some unique snacks from Beijing, like White Rabbit candies or shrimp roe-flavored Lay’s potato chips, and offer to let people try them. It’s a great way to start a conversation that isn’t “So, what’s your major?”
Invite someone to sit with you:
Subconsciously, we associate food with family and friends, so when you are in the dining hall and you see someone nervously looking around, make the offer “This seat is open.” Most people will be happy to have someone to share a meal with. And if you see a small, friendly looking group, walk over and ask, “Can I join you?” Meals bring people together. Use that to your advantage.
Follow up:
If you hit it off with someone, offer your contact info and see if they want to do something later. Better yet, set up a time to do something before you say goodbye: “Hey, there is a game tonight and I’m thinking about going. Want to join me?”
Organize activities:
This isn’t a college story, but I want to tell you how I made my best friend when I first moved to Beijing. I went to a mixer for new expats, and a woman invited me to sit at her table. We both mentioned wanting to learn to make jiaozi while we were here. So I found a cooking class and messaged her the next day to ask if she wanted to do it with me. We have been friends ever since.
So if you have a conversation with a new acquaintance about how much you both love to run, or if they mention they wanted to check out a specific art exhibit, call them the next day and set up a time to hit the track or the museum.
Say yes to everything (within reason):
If someone invites you to do something, say yes. Obviously don’t do anything dangerous or illegal, but try new things and accept all appropriate invitations.
Even if you don’t love American football, go to the game. If you just ate but someone asks you to lunch, sit and have a cup of coffee while they eat. Forming friendships takes time. Common experiences are what make relationships of all types, so have the experiences and see what happens.
Clubs and activities:
Speaking of experiences, seek out group activities that you love. Always wanted to try improv or learn to make pottery? Now is the time. If you were active in debate or swimming in high school, try out for the college team. Having an organized event where people are all showing up together and working towards a common goal sets up multiple experiences with the same group, which is how friendships form.
Study groups:
It’s what you are actually here for – studying. And if you are in the same class with someone you probably have other shared interests you can talk about as you walk to the vending machine on breaks.
Tap into the current zeitgeist:
“Friends” was the big show when I was in college. We all could have just watched it alone in our dorm rooms, but someone started watching it on the big TV in the common room, and soon after that the whole floor started bringing snacks to share while we all watched together. It was a nice way to get a large and diverse group of people to bond over a common interest. Whatever the cool show, hobby, or game is this fall, do it together in a public place.
Ultimately, though, try not to overthink any of this. It’s making friends, not rocket science. You’re an expat kid. Making new friends quickly is what you have been doing your entire life. Plus, I guarantee you have way more interesting stories and experiences than most of the other freshmen. Some of them might have been camping, but how many of them have been camping on the Great Wall? I bet most of them have been to Disneyland, but have they been to Shanghai Disney? You already know how to do this, and you have tons of experiences to share. Just go be your wonderful, active, curious self. You’ll find your tribe.
This article appeared in the jingkids 2022 Graduation issue
