Support and Brotherhood For Husbands and Fathers in Beijing

We talk a lot about women’s mental health resources. And that’s a good thing, especially after so many generations of stigmatizing and marginalizing women’s health in general. But we rarely talk about how men can find support. And that’s causing some pretty serious social and cultural issues, as well as putting strain on families. According to the NIH, women are 1.7 times more likely to experience depression during their lifetime, but women who suffer from mental health issues are also far more likely to receive support. As a society, we encourage women to talk to their friends and family about their feelings and to seek out professional help as well as social connections and support at work and through clubs or activities.

But men are taught to remain strong and silent, and not to burden others with their issues. Grischa Grunau of Married Men Mental Health Club (3MH) put it this way: “In general, men’s mental health is not a big discussion because it is not supposed to be a big issue. This is how we were brought up. If you have a problem, a difficulty, you just resolve it, that is what a real man does. This is what our fathers did and their fathers before them. ‘A real man’ can resolve every problem on their own, and of course this mindset very quickly leads to ‘if there is a problem I cannot resolve on my own I better hide it, hide my feelings about it, lest people think I am not a real man.’” Because of this ingrained cultural message, men are twice as likely to try and manage their emotions by binge drinking or drugs, are more likely to die from suicide than women, and have much higher rates of violent altercations and outbursts according to MindWise, a non-profit mental health initiative based in Massachusetts.

While women are often encouraged to reach out and connect, especially after major life changes like marriages or births, men are taught to be stoic and deal with their stresses and pain silently. And that is where 3MH is trying to make a difference. The group was founded in 2000 by a psychologist and some of his friends who wanted to create a space where men could talk about the issues they were facing on a deep and honest level but in a casual, no-pressure environment. Grunau explained that men tend to neglect their own social needs because they get distracted by work and family life. Statistically, they are far more likely to retire and live out their final years as loners which is a large contributing factor to why men tend to die years earlier than their female counterparts. He told me: “We are working on breaking the cycle of the ‘loner-male,’ and through mutual support and self-reflection become happier, healthier, more fulfilled, more productive, less aggressive and more balanced men. This doesn’t only benefit us, but also indirectly our partners and families, our work lives and our other personal relationships.”

It’s even more difficult for expat men. They often leave behind their existing support networks and the high-stress jobs that bring them to China leave barely any time to build relationships outside of the family unit. “I wouldn’t trade even a minute I spend with my family.” Grunau said, “However there are certain social needs, a need for fraternity and ‘brotherhood’ that cannot be adequately met just with family time. Especially in a country where you often know no one, isolation can develop and become quite severe.”

And that isolation has some very serious consequences for families and communities at large, according to Grunau. He says: “Men’s mental health influences family lives, dynamics at the workplace, all kinds of interpersonal relationships. All of these things suffer if men’s mental health suffers. Families are not as happy, and work environments become toxic. And it also influences general questions of society. Chauvinism, misogynistic attitudes, and instances of ‘Incel Ideology’ – these are all direct results of poorly managed men’s mental health.”

But breaking the ingrained ‘real men don’t cry’ stigma isn’t easy, so the group tries to keep their meetings open and honest but relaxed. Just a group of guys grabbing a drink and some good food. The rules are simple and easy to follow, Grunau told me. “Nobody is forced to share or even say anything if they don’t want to. But if they do they have to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. Nothing that is shared at the table can be discussed with others, not even your partners.”

The group meets every other week and always starts with what they call an inquisition of new members, which Grunau swears sounds scarier than it actually is. The group asks questions to get to know the new member’s situation and spark some deeper thinking and new perspectives on everyone’s part. “Often new members will join the group with a particular issue in mind. We often then spend a long time listening and discussing that issue, until we get to a point where we think some helpful insight has been provided.”

Then they move on to the session’s preset topic. Grunau says they range from childcare and domestic duties to dealing with infidelity and conflict resolution. “None of these issues are discussed lightly, but in general they are discussed with an overarching goal of fostering or repairing a marriage rather than just ‘giving up on it,’ especially when considering that many of us are not only married but are fathers as well.”

The next Married Men’s Mental Health Club meet-up will be on Aug 12,^{and then every other Friday following}. For more information, you can reach out to Grischa Grunau. WeChat ID: Choloepus. Email: ggrunau@gmail.com