As a school counselor for the past 17 years, I’ve received many of the same inquiries from parents, all stemming around the age-old question: How do I communicate better with my child? Whether said child is 5 or 17, all parents (and teachers too) struggle sometimes to connect. Especially during times of not-so-pleasant behavior. But the struggle does not mean the impossible.
My tween is not the same person! Every simple conversation turns into an argument or a slammed door (or two) and next thing you know we are both so frustrated and yelling at each other … What happened to my baby?
Well, not just one thing happened – lots of different things are happening and their brain is to blame. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that regulates impulse control, planning, and decision-making, is not fully formed and won’t be until around age 25. Sorry, parents, but the parts of the brain adults use to make informed decisions are only halfway built! In simple terms, your child will need lots of help (and patience) navigating through it all. They truly just can’t help it. So what can you do?
Try remembering that all behavior is a form of communication – even the backtalk and slammed doors. It’s not about getting rid of the attitude; it’s about understanding it. Try shifting from focusing on the words to focusing on the feelings. Reframing these moments as opportunities to connect is key. You can say: Wow, you are feeling really angry with me right now. Do you want to talk about why you are angry or do you want a hug first? Lead with love. Resist the urge to immediately stop the behavior. When we do this, we miss the opportunity for our child to feel their feelings and ultimately self-regulate.
Connect first. Rationalize later.
Every answer to my questions about school is “fine,” or “I don’t know.” They would rather hang out with their friends, or their phone than the family. How do I get my child to talk to me?
Are you listening to hear them, or listening to respond? Do they have needs that are not getting met and which they are having difficulty communicating? Once we remember that our children need assistance building their awareness regarding their needs, we will know how better to help them.
Perhaps instead of “How was your day?” or “What did you learn?” ask open-ended questions that allow them to share their thoughts on what they decide is important. You can say “Tell me about the best part of your day.” Then share yours. On the flip side, ask them about the not-so-bright parts of the day and share yours as well. This not only gives them agency but shows genuine interest in their world.
I find myself getting frustrated during times of big emotions. Before you know it, we are both frustrated, and I end up feeling guilty for the way I responded. I know there must be a better way!
Tap into your own frustration. What about their behavior is triggering you? Are you triggered by the noncompliance, or because you feel as though you are not being heard? Turning inward FIRST and determining why you are being triggered allows you to attend to the behavior in a way that allows for co-regulation.
Children of all ages learn how to self-regulate through their interactions with you. Coregulation is just a fancy way of saying be present with them, in the moment, navigating through the emotional wave with them.
As babies, parents do this by holding their child when they are crying. Moving into toddler-hood, you teach your child to name their emotions. As adolescents this looks like sharing your feelings and talking through how you are managing them. Every step of the way, your child is learning through your modeling.
A triggered parent cannot calm down a triggered child. Take five minutes to calm your nervous system (deep breaths help with this), process your thoughts (where are these feelings coming from?), and validate your emotions. During this process, you are doing two things – modeling self-regulation, and allowing your emotionally triggered child time to naturally calm down. Make sure to state out loud what you are doing: I am feeling frustrated by this conversation. I am going to take time to take a few deep breaths to calm my nervous system so we can hear each other better. Here, you are acknowledging the funk in the air and modeling your regulation process. Win. Win.
While you cannot force someone to calm down, you can share your calm with others.
Above all, remember – perfection is not required to be a great parent, nor is it possible. None of us came with an instruction manual, and quite honestly we are all doing the best we can. Trust the process, and when all else fails remember your children learn more from your mistakes than your successes.
Rachel George is a certified therapist, life coach, and school counselor from Texas. She is currently a Middle School counselor at Western Academy of Beijing (WAB).
Images: Pexels
